Vincero, vincero!!!
How do I express the despondency of my heart? I have arrived at this juncture believing, almost knowing, that there would be some justice in my life. Some flimsy recompense for the cruel injustice of my painful rite of passage into existence.
Yet today, one of the many such days in my life thus far,I have to endure the indignity of going nowhere with my tool of justice and knowing that virtually everyone around me will be receiving their performance bonus.
I drowned out their joyous celebratory talking with my headphones playing Enya music.
Indescribably sad and saturated with lonely hopelessness.
Maybe that description comes closest to expressing what I cannot bear to express.
If you're reading this, I don't mean to lower you a peg in the mood department. I really hope that you don't have to go through what I've been feeling this year in your life. Ever.
If you choose to emphatise with me, imagine having to struggle to survive in your first few years of life through senseless abuse,feeling that the two people who brought you into this world care for you less than they do your other siblings, and then working like a maniac to please them in the one area they care about only to discover that all that effort wasn't worth even a fraction as much as you thought it did, feeling endlessly guilty about a sexual proclivity that you had no control over, being shunned by people for antisocial behaviour that you weren't aware of for many years and working honestly in your first job only to be discriminated against and blowing most of even what little savings you had fought tooth and nail to conserve, and losing even what others almost take for granted.
If you can imagine this, then you will understand the confluence of pathos that almost rends me apart at this moment.
Then again, I still believe I can be victorious, despite the pain, despite the shame, despite the hollowness of my heart.
Drop me an encouraging word. It'd be much appreciated in my attempt to pick myself off the floor for the umpteenth time...
Yet today, one of the many such days in my life thus far,I have to endure the indignity of going nowhere with my tool of justice and knowing that virtually everyone around me will be receiving their performance bonus.
I drowned out their joyous celebratory talking with my headphones playing Enya music.
Indescribably sad and saturated with lonely hopelessness.
Maybe that description comes closest to expressing what I cannot bear to express.
If you're reading this, I don't mean to lower you a peg in the mood department. I really hope that you don't have to go through what I've been feeling this year in your life. Ever.
If you choose to emphatise with me, imagine having to struggle to survive in your first few years of life through senseless abuse,feeling that the two people who brought you into this world care for you less than they do your other siblings, and then working like a maniac to please them in the one area they care about only to discover that all that effort wasn't worth even a fraction as much as you thought it did, feeling endlessly guilty about a sexual proclivity that you had no control over, being shunned by people for antisocial behaviour that you weren't aware of for many years and working honestly in your first job only to be discriminated against and blowing most of even what little savings you had fought tooth and nail to conserve, and losing even what others almost take for granted.
If you can imagine this, then you will understand the confluence of pathos that almost rends me apart at this moment.
Then again, I still believe I can be victorious, despite the pain, despite the shame, despite the hollowness of my heart.
Drop me an encouraging word. It'd be much appreciated in my attempt to pick myself off the floor for the umpteenth time...
posted by DP at
1:09 AM
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