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My father let me down today,
No surprise there
For he has never stopped letting me down
With his judgemental soul
Bereft of generosity for his own child
His warped idea of concern
Of fatherly love
Bull ass!!
You make me sick...
Sadness upon pathos
makes me want to lay my head to rest
For eternity
For I'm admittedly useless to the world
Many think I'll self-destruct needlessly
I'll show them!

The senseless meaninglessness of existence

Does not detract from the reality of it.

The sorry compromise that is our modern life

Coated with the gold paint of unawareful bliss

That flakes over years to reveal

Rotting, dying, bleeding wounds of the soul

Sometimes, one yearns to put out the candle

But others burning brightly, are snuffed out instead

Funny isn't it, this existence called Life?

Pristine contentment for a day...

Today....

is one that imbues hope for better tomorrows...
Humiliating disaster stared me down as my chosen punt tumbled
Immediately after my trade entry,
From 17c to 14c, taking my morale down with it, reducing my will to carry on,
Superficial though it may seem,
For failure had laid siege on confidence in the meaning of my own existence,
Wearing it down over the preceding months,
Inflicting losses greater than I could bear,
I swore in heaven's face, for I had asked for bread,
But had gotten a stone hurled in my face by faceless Fate,
Every facet of Life had let me down,
Material sustenance was all I had to bolster my will to survive,
Slumber was disturbed,
Confusion swirled thoughts like swampy mud,
Yet I bore the worry and fear of losing yet, yet ,yet again,
What little I had left.

I held on gamely, refusing to throw in the flag,
With Olympian inspiration, and Rachmaninov encouragement,
Today, my reward swung the door open and strode in,
Turning a potentially devastating loss into a small, but encouraging win,
It's funny how money can make one feel at one with the world,
Terrible but true,
For success is the only antidote to unhappiness you cannot change,
Sadness that won't loosen it's grip
On your already suffocating soul,
A reversal of fortune is poised to sweeten my long weekend,
I plan to wolf down a cup of Ben & Jerry's
No, make that two!
My victory today is truly many times sweeter

Blessings while you still breathe

Solitude can chill like the winter gusts,

That crust and harden the depths of one's heart,

Gratitude for less than what others around you have taken for granted is

Herculean, to put it mildly,

My soul languishes in the winter of discontent,

All my former dearest have forgotten me,

Spat at me secretly,cursed me silently,

As though the curse of a blighted childhood weren't cruel enough,

Yet I discover anew daily, that the world owes me happiness not,

A song that encapsulates the the turmoil of a meaningful life,

Can assuage the perception of a meaningless one,

By teaching us that Fate can bless and blight in equal measure,

That Life can tear down and mend in quick succession,

That the pain of unendurable loss can fortify the soul,

Take one to the brink of sanity and recoil one back,

I learnt this today:

Take not the merest blessing lightly,

For when it is taken from you, you may wish for it back

More than all the earthly possessions of the mortal coil

Unanticipated lightness of being

Unlovable? I don't know....

Unstable? Emotionally,yes...

Giving up on life? Not yet.

On my brother's advice, I need to de-link my happiness from financial success.

Today, I had a very joyful English lesson where all my Secondary One students had a good laugh because I gave them a run-of-the-mill cloze passage but perked it up with jokes about the funnyness(is there such a word? :P nevermind) of the alternative answers to each blank.

And when it came to the run-of-the-mill passage about the Dodo bird, I drew a sketch the poor extinct feathered friend that resembled the cross between a turkey and a duck, and then sketched another lying dead with crossed eyes, writing '1930' on top. The predictable comments about the merits of my art and questions that ranged from the disproportionate lengths of the beaks in the two drawings and the wings looking like a cape made me happy for the first time in a long stretch of days, perhaps weeks.

More laughter when I suggested that one of the stouter girls in my class had caused the demise of the cross-eyed bird by sitting on it(she laughed the hardest!)