Some random writing ideas...

There was a time in my existence when I detested my father for giving me something I didn't want: life.

That time soon passed, with the hate slowly replaced by a total indifference to him, justified by the poetic revenge for his abandoning me to abuse when I was barely a child.

'If you seek love, you have to flee your home...'

...that's what the old woman whose tent I entered said to me.

I never forgot those words, because they sounded so wierd, so alien to my common sense, even as young as I was.

Many years on, the realisation of what she meant crept up on me like a nasty nightmare into a peaceful slumber.

But before I elaborate further, let me begin at the beginning.

When I began to remember the darkness.

My mother said I had wide-open eyes when I emerged from the womb, unusual among newborn babes who usually cried their way out of their organic prison with their eyes shut.


Of course, I also didn't cry when I first set my eyes upon the world.

Perhaps some higher power was preparing me for what was soon to follow.

The suffering that I had to endure.

The torture that was to follow me thirty years into the future.

All I Want for X'mas is....

...a relationship.

No X'mas dinner. No holiday to Australia.

I yearn for a squeeze more than the two of the above combined.

2009 has been bone dry of romance of any sort thus far.

The main reason is that I've spent most of my time in Ipoh, where my non-existent social life coupled with the near-complete suppression of H has not helped matters.

Don't know how long I can suppress this yearning.

Almost lost my 2-yr-old mobile...

...but after some posturing with the thief, I got him to hand it back.

The Wind Blew, The Newspaper Flew

As I was stopped at a traffic junction to take some photographs of tall buildings during my walk through the heart of the S'pore CBD, I placed two newspapers, one I had gotten for free called 'My Paper' and another I had bought for the exorbitant price of S$4, called the 'Asian Wall Street Journal',folded, the latter on top of the former.

So unpredictable and furious was the gust of wind that blew by at the moment I was taking my third & last picture, that the expensive paper shot off at an angle into the wheels of a car stopping at that junction, leaving the front-back page spread caught in a rectangular bush by the sidewalk.

Before I had time to retrieve that remaining piece of my expensive newspaper(fearing the accusation of littering, unintentionally or otherwise), it, too, took flight in the same general direction, and I was left to pack my camera away meekly, pretending that nothing had taken place.

(I would have whistled innocently into the wind as I was walking away, if only I knew how to whistle in the first place!)

All this while, the free copy of 'My Paper' remained where it was, jostled only temporarily by the sudden breeze/wind.


I then walked to the nearest newstand in Raffles Place MRT station to purchase another copy, effectively paying $8 for that copy, enough for a hearty meal even in these inflated times.

Earlier, an elderly Indian man at a bus-stop had asked me where I had gotten the free paper, and looked a little forelorn when I told him I had gotten it 'back there', wiggling my index finger in the general direction I had come from.

I had an idea of just giving it to him since he may have wanted it more than I did, but the uncharitable part of me held sway.

Also, I had intended to go to UOB Plaza to buy some gold bars later.

Having gone to the basement to enquire about the prices, I found myself about $200 over my daily ATM withdrawal limit of S$3000, and had to backtrack to The Arcade to change 200 Euros I had in my bag so that I could pay S$1 754 and a little bit for a 1-ounce Austalian Gold Nugget.

I found myself stuck behind a couple of dilly-dallying customers at my favourite moneychanger, and took over 20 minutes to change my 200 Euros.It was just shy of ten minutes to 4:30 pm by the time I left the moneychanger to head back to the bank.

By the time I returned to UOB Plaza to complete the transaction, the [SORRY WE'RE CLOSED] sign had gone up, barring the glass doors behind which I had just been barely half-an-hour before.

Thus,then and there, my chance to own more than 20g of the yellow stuff(which my mum sold to me for a slight discount) vaporised.

[Returning to my country tonight, I would have no chance to buy the gold nugget the next day]

I thought back on my day, and wondered if God was telling me that he disapproved of the chance I denied to give something that I didn't really need to someone who wanted it more.(Especially in light of the fact that I had passed an overweight woman in a wheelchair selling packets of tissue for $1 each and also an apparently handicapped man begging nearby, without bothering to help in either case)

First by sending my expensive paper flying into the oncoming wheels of traffic. And second, by denying me the rare chance to buy something that had a high likelihood of appreciating in price.

But then again, He may know something I don't...

Who is the bigger villain? Tiger Woods or Bernie Madoff?

Intuitively, it seems one would answer 'Madoff' for sure.


BETRAYING TRUST

But think about it: both betrayed the sacred trust of many thousands(Madoff clients) and millions(Woods fans) respectively, with Woods being the "winner" in terms of sheer numbers of people who looked up to him and idolised him.


THE SUMS OF MONEY INVOLVED

Ol' Bernie cheated people of a sum estimated at between $50 billion and $65 billion, while Woods hoodwinked sponsors into parting with enough money to elevate him to the status of the world's first sporting billionaire.

So Madoff arguably "wins" hands down.


DURATION

Tiger has been allowing the press to paint an angelic image of him for over a decade while Bernie has carried out his Ponzi scheme for over three decades so Madoff arguably "wins" this one.


HOW MANY LOVES or APPROVALS HAVE TURNED TO HATE or DISAPPROVALS

Gallup recorded the biggest drop in its history when Tiger's Approval Rating dropped from over 80% to 33% after his sex scandal.

I'm sure Bernie Madoff, whose crime affected a much smaller group, would be hard pressed to equal the old philanderer's feat.

So my vote to Tiger in this category.


Hmmm...a case could therefore be made that they are EQUALLY villainous!

Am I bitter?

The short answer is : Yes.

I firmly believe that although the predisposition to the emotion of bitterness varies widely from individual to individual, all humans, without exception, suffer deleterious health effects when they contain and conceal the bitterness in their bosoms, whether it's generated by the insensitivity of others, the betrayed expectations or whatever other means.

Ergo, I'm not inclined to react calmly to suggestions of impropriety, however subtly suggested(and I proved that to myself today,refusing to back down when confronted at a Starbucks outlet).

I flamed my instinctive anger at the insinuation so that it would not burn within my heart, no matter how transiently. For no one can predict how such minor shocks to the body and its overall well-being can come back to haunt one later in life.


Why am I bitter?

A confluence of circumstances: feeling let down by an individual(again the same arms-folded individual who was responsible for my existence), feeling alone in the world & not understanding fully the reason(although I did glimpse that a little today), but mostly at MYSELF: for I don't think I'm achieving at an optimumly satisfying level.