Emotional tank gauge pointing perilously close to empty...

If I told you that watching new downloaded videos, wanking, and awaiting feedback on my youtube channel are the only things keeping me going, would you believe me?

Some of you may say: " No one is THAT pathetic!" , or " That's just SAD!".

Others may snicker and ridicule such a person.

Unfortunately, though I would like to be on your side of the fence reacting as though it only happens to people whom you want nothing to do with, I'm afraid I am such a person, worthy of your ridicule more than your friendship.


Everyday, I trudge to work, ever more desperate with each passing day to leave it. Everyday, I seek the thrill of gambling on the stockmarket with the mostly vain hope of winning my way out of my occupational burnout.(Never taking tips on account of the pride I have in my successful stock calls, I started following some this year, three of which turned out to be big money losers).Ironically, I get burnt sometimes for trying to escape burnout!
Everyday, I lose yet another little morsel of my already decimated will to live.


Every week, I try to make friends, contrary to my introvertedness, but never seem to be able to keep them.Apparently, most take one look at me and find an invisible wall of glass that almost invariably prevents them from breaking the ice with me. After all, glass IS harder than ice, is it not?

I can't explain why I have stopped caring about anybody- my brothers, my parents, people who seem to express genuine concern about me.


Here I am, barely halfway into my thirties, and already feeling burned out by the rigours of life.


Up till a decade or so ago, preoccupation with attaining good grades took my mind off the predicament confronting me now. Of course, back then, I could alway postpone my dismay with the comforting thought that I would face the music when the time arrived.

Now that it sort of begs to be confronted, I find that I can't make up my mind: leave for another country, keeping as much distance between my parents and myself in the hope that they would never have the chance to broach the subject of marriage?

Stay near and dear, but dreading monthly, weekly and daily the oft-repeated question-' So when is it your turn?'


My heart says: " I want so much to tell you that I'm gay" but that thought never finds the courage to force the tongue to enunciate it.


When I was in my mid-twenties, I became convinced,(bolstered by a string of successes backed by good investment timing, that growing rich through investing my own, or other people's money, was my mission in life.

My failures last year, and(to a smaller extent) this year, put paid to those thoughts.

Yet I haven't thrown in the worn towel yet, making my weekly pilgrimage to the Bloomberg terminal in the National Library to analyse the stockmarket.


After some notable successes in the first quarter of this year, the accuracy of my calls starting to decline significantly and the last pillar of my self-assurance started to crumble.


Earlier this year, an autistic Korean-American wrote a suicide note and proceeded to perpetrate the worst school shooting in US history, sending the same number of victims to their death as a new epidemic flu did in Singapore four years ago. But he did this in a matter of an hour or two, whilst the latter deaths took place over a month or two.

I became suddenly aware that I am no different from that boy, when I felt more empathy for him than for the nearest and dearest of the massacre victims.



If you are reading this and know of a way to prevent me from taking my emptiness, anger and frustration on myself or someone else, leave a note or intercede in prayer to whichever omnipotent being you bring your own dilemmas and entanglements to.I have lost almost all hope of finding the Lord of the Israelites through whatever means.

Everyone who is in a position to be concerned about me seems to be too busy to give me any useful advice. But I expected no different with the distractions of the modern life we are enamoured with these days.