Halloween Hopes...

Today, I forced myself to reflect on the substance and direction of my life,and found myself wanting on both...

Of course, I should take pride in the fact that I have logged over 600 hours of home-tutoring this year,and have accumulated enough savings(also thanks to prudent financial trading and investments) to go for a very nice holiday in any destination of my choice.

However, pathos intruded into my consciousness when I pondered how I have been alone, companionless, for the past 18 months.

I wish a smile came more easily to my face, where a foreboding brooding look seems more at home.

I wish I didn't have a hellish abused early childhood to contend with, unlike a lot of other 'normal' people.

I wish I was more motivated to,and interested in making and keeping friends than I am now.

I wish I had parents who treated me with more unconditional love,rather than expecting only obedience and respect, which I have exhaused my supply of by this year.

But empty wishing will get me nowhere, of course.

My firm belief is that I have little trouble getting people to like me, but find myself bending over backwards to retain the people who actually treat me as a friend.

Re-living the Past?

Today, I chanced upon a diary that I had kept from May 1st 1995 till May 5th 1996.

I was a little surprised at how much insight I had into human nature and my own psyche even way back then.

Reading the entries also made me relive that period as if the ink was just drying on the paper of that skinny notepad.

Little did I realise when I made those entries how much my life would change for the worse since then,entering a terrible wilderness for the latter half of 1997, being virtually bankrupted in 1999,enduring a generally unhappy employment from 2002 to last year,and experiencing steady, but rather uneven success with my own 'business' as a home tutor thus far in 2009.

It shocks me slightly that I still share many of the feelings that I had penned down a decade-and-a-half ago.

Also, it seems that the same bugbears are affecting me now as they were affecting me then.