31st May 2005(The last day of my obligatory service)

It's almost nightfall on the last day of May, and I'm about to be free.....FREE!!!

Yes, free from the virtual bonds that chain me, the imaginary shackles that keep me thinking of the end of my enforced conscription and subservience.

And now, the end has finally arrived...

So I'm celebrating the only way I know how: sitting in Starbucks JB downloading lots of stuff, and maybe, just maybe, I can surpass the old record of 3.33GB downloaded a couple of months ago...

Sure, my love life is not blossoming.

But who needs to fall in love with an egotistical, selfish, bitchy pansy(the good looks and bod of which I'm seeking is sure to guarantee these qualities in my potential chosen one) .

I'm attracted to REAL guys only and that's the sad, hard truth...

I'd be unable to get a hard-on with ANY even slightly-effeminate gay guy and that'd be wasting my time as well as the other person's.

Well, on the other hand, I'm still struggling with my self-confidence and am considering getting some kind of medication to combat this lifelong problem.

I'm beginning to suspect that a person's self-esteem and sense of self-worth is born in early childhood and, like intelligence, cannot vary much beyond what was established(or NOT established) in the outset.

I know I'm in danger of losing my sanity if this keeps up but there's very little I can do about it. Just like there's very little I can do about the lack of will and confidence to look at another full in the face, or the inability to look at a strange(and especially a gorgeously flirtatious one) woman with anything but deep derision.


Tomorrow, I will be going to treat myself to a steak at the only Russian place I've been to(and in light of the fact that I managed to claw some ringgit profits out of this obtuse market today) sans bf, sans friend, sans anybody, because I know there would be no one who would either be willing to go,even if I offer to give them a treat(which I won't).

Why can't I be happy with that? Because society frowns on solitary diners out to enjoy a candle-lit meal on their own?

I want to be happy while savouring my solitary meal, and I'm determined that I will be happy tomorrow.

The fact that life screws me from the outset does not mean ergo that I have to screw myself with my own fears, cares and considerations of what others think of me, people who are strangers to me and don't make a difference in my life anyhow.



I will enjoy my hard-earned meal regardless of how many uninvited stares and glances I get from romantic couples , or close friends or associates, or whatever.


Solitude dominates my life now, and I've dealt with it long enough to bear with it admirably, thank you very much!

30th May 2005

Two more days to the end of my contract!

My life is pretty much dominated by the same rituals, despite meeting someone with a nice body and an OK face the other day on a dating site.

We went out once, had fun on Saturday(at least I did) and he stopped messaging since then.

I guess he's one of those who waits for others to call...but unfortunately for him, I'm not desperate enough to initiate such things. Besides, he had the gumption to ask me to lend him some money to buy a handphone!

Should have told him about my promise to myself not to lend a single cent to anybody ever since my best friend ripped me off and left me to dry in my University days. I feel myself going soft on that promise off and on, but will do all that is in my power to resist it.

I sigh inwardly because it's yet another dead-end date. And it's no big improvement on a relationship with a mercenary teenager who shows false affection with the hidden intention of getting something out of you.

The 'sentence' called Marriage(28th May 2005)

My views of marriage and raising kids, as expressed so succintly in a chatroom this morning(in a dialogue with 'A')


A-Dom do you have kids?
Me:nope....kids are a death sentence lol
A-lol
Me:and marriage is a life sentence
Me:a sentence to enjoyment, selfishness and hedonism i mean lol
A-hmmm
Me:but maybe not a sentence to happiness..though it accelerates the onset of baldness
Me:and the loss of wit and the ability to think in new, refreshing ways
A-doesnt sound good lol
Me:IM(radical)O, kids thrive(and fester) at the expense of their parents' sanity
Me:it's just nature's way of renewing life lol hmmm i gotta pen all this down and copyright it lol
A-lol


And so I did just that!

Am I the proverbial fox who pooh-poohed the 'sour' grapes because I couldn't reach them?

Maybe...but ain't nothing anyone can do about it!

23rd May 2005

Loneliness can make one do stupid things: like calling someone you know will only humour you, and whose friendship will hold out no benefit, while spending a lot of money doing it.

My pre-paid card balance fell like a rock from over $22 to just $6, and all I gained was some temporary respite from my solitude.

I must hit the treadmill today to burn off my calories and pent-up frustration at life.

Today, I felt a lot of anger at someone on the Hub for not granting me a slot and was tempted to let loose some cutting remark(think bitchiness!)

But I held my tongue(or rather, my finger) and thus successfully resisted being a mirror for the meanness that society displays in abundance.


Life is always unfair, but at least a human being is equipped with the inner guts to overcome it and get over(or get even, even!)

The only pitiful thing is that, for most Singaporeans, a comfortable life has made them softer than cotton candy when it comes to facing adversity and overcoming disappointments.

And worse still, I have to admit that living in this society for such a great length of time has made me somewhat soft too: long gone are the days when I had to get up at 430am to walk 15 minutes to a congested checkpoint and struggle through bestial crowds to catch a rickety ride to work.

Or the days when I had to live on 1 meal a day because of looming financial problems and sleeping all day through joblessness so that I didn't have to spend a single cent on anything.

I'm not wealthy by any financial yardstick(though apparently, according to statistics, I have more cash in the bank than 95% of the world's debt-ridden family-cursed population!) but I give thanks constantly for my enduring health and presentability(what a word!) and for every minute that I have more than I can possibly use for the moment.

Living for the moment is the only valid and feasible goal for a mortal like me.

22nd May 2005

Following up on yesterday's haul of 1.10GB of videos with another 1GB to match(hopefully).

Today, I finished downloading pt 2 of Constantine, so it makes over 43 complete movies in my collection to date.

Maybe I can open a small-scale video store!

The download speeds were fantastic for both days so I am overjoyed, albeit in a subdued manner.

I have decided to cancel my planned trip to the gym to focus on my all-encompassing passion, so now I've become a semi-permanent resident at Macs. With the powerpoints located at my two favourite branches, I am set to break new records in downloading!

My posts on the Gymworld Forum total 435 to date.

21st May 2005

Had a great two days, anticipating the end of my obligation to my current employer on June 1st. Also, the pace of work has slowed down somewhat, and the impending vacation has given my mood somewhat of a filip.

Checked my bank account and found out that the S$500 dividend has indeed been credited timely. After selling over nine thousand dollars worth of STATS Chippac, I am looking forward to Thursday next week when my bank balance will swell to over S$36 000. Am looking forward to a short holiday in less than a month's time.

And then it's off to my cousin's wedding in Malaysia.

Time to spend some money to give myself a gratification-delayed spoiling!

18th May 2005

Today, I discovered that the power of optimism is indeed potent enough to overcome the myriad disappointments that are a mainstay of modern life.

My happiness and contentment came through gallantly despite insensitivity displayed by some people I encountered in the gym.

And a rejected date offer on a popular dating site.

The human ability to endure even the most humiliating experiences is one that continues to awe me.

Well, at least I have a pet project to attend to. But first, to the negotiation table!

For now, I still enjoy the freedom and unaccountability of being single and still beautiful.

17th May 2005

Today I've returned to my listless state of mind. And my mind is rather blank compared to the previous couple of days so I won't write much now. It seems my life is currently as blank as my mind and only the power of optimism and happiness can possibly salvage this parlous situation.

16th May 2005

My throat and nose were still clogged this morning, and when it started to rain at nearly 6 am on the dot, I decided to call for a taxi.

Bully me! The lines were equally clogged with calls, perhaps from people like me who neglected to keep a spare brolly at home. When I stepped out of the front door, I looked to my left and lo and behold: a brolly was drying outside a flat whose front door was shut.

The temptation to swipe it and return it to the owner later with profuse explanations and apologies crossed my mind, but, fortunately,my values won the battle in my mind between good and evil today.

After trying to contact my closest colleague(phone turned off) and trying umpteen times getting through to the Comfort Cab number, I decided to call in sick as I had forced myself to work in the past few working days with a clogged windpipe and had merely postponed an essential trip to the medicine man(or in my case, woman).

I hope the problem of overflowing sky juice doesn't recur tomorrow or I'll really be stymied!

P.S : Forgot to mention that I almost fell and avoided unknown(and I don't wish to know) injurious consequences on the treadmill at the gym yesterday. My left foot veered off to the boundary between the motionless edge and the moving belt, and some part of my left sole caught. I was surprised at how fast my hands shot out left and right, grabbing the handles in a small sliver of a second, allowing me to balance and straighten out at the same time. I resumed my running in less than a second, and reattained my previous pace in about 7 seconds.
Inwardly I breathed a sigh of relief, as I had witnessed a shorter, lighter guy impact his lower back just months before as he slipped on his feet and was thrown backward by the fast-moving belt.

Stranger in the bus(15th May 2005)

This morning, I spotted my S'pore remisier, a cute(unfortunately pimpled-face), friendly and beefy guy, who is actually younger than me(one always thinks of remisiers as being the middle-aged variety).

He's gay and he was with his much younger-looking boyfriend.

Suddenly I remembered that he told me once that he lived in CCK. I guess he still does.

I also learnt that with a pair of sunspecs on, I look scary enough to prevent Mac's so-called service ambassadors(pooh!) from approaching me... ROFLOL!

Looks like I'm descending into some informal shortforms on my blog.

Well, I like being left alone for now, so all's well and good.


Evening update: I finally went for a gym sessions after more than a month. Surprisingly, or maybe because of a hearty duck porridge three hours before, or an hour nap right after. But I was able to treadmill for 20 solid minutes at no less than 9 km/h, with enough energy at the end to do my usual finishing kick.

As I travelled home on bus 190, a hunky- and rather handsome local guy with an appealing crewcut hairstyle sat next to me, and during the journey, he fell asleep and unconsciously leaned his firm right shoulder into me several times. It was the only bodily contact with a guy I have had in more than a couple of months, and it felt good. Although it was not intentionally given, an image flashed in my mind of myself lying next to another guy, his shoulder touching mine, and a warm sense of intimacy filled me.

Although I was pretty tired myself, I started reflecting on how good it would be to be intimate with another again, and my eyes welled up a little despite myself.

However, when I snapped out of it, this warmth was replaced by a sense of realism: that the guy who consented to lie down with me would have to be just as good looking, and just as well built as the stranger in the bus.

14th May 2005

Today, I have downloaded a motherlode of gymnastic videos(thank you, Matt Esler!) which I would not be able to finish watching unless I spend a week! I am joyful although a discovery this morning made me rather moody, to say the least.

At least now, I keep my sanity by being entertained.

13th May 2005

Friday the 13th proved to confirm my view yet again that thirteen is second only to five as a lucky number for me.

I made RM 200 on the market after buying Golden Plus shares on a stubborn whim today: they rose over 15% when I finally pared my stake.

Romantic love can go to hell.

10th May 2005

In a more placid mood today, I'm also in a contemplative haze of sorts. My phelgm refuses to disappear, but I feel much less ill now.

Someone must always come to spoil my favourite surfing period, but the two brainless hussies I'm referring to are getting rid of themselves voluntarily now, thank God!

9th May 2005

My nose is perpetually clogged with dull yellow-coloured pus of unknown origin, and this, together with a slight fever, makes me feel like sticking my middle finger in the face of anyone who even thinks of getting in my way.

I'm truly and genuinely ill for the first time in a long time.

I don't get a kick out of interacting with all the assholes around me(with the exception of several non-assholes) because they are so shallow and parochial and downright boring.

Every interaction seems so superficial because everyone eventually goes back to doing their own thing and living life for their selfish selves. Maybe I should stop hoping for this to be different. After all, I've long compromised my rather unusual ability to emphatise for others.

In this society, feeling happiness at the misfortune of another has been elevated to an art form and envy, jealousy and false barriers keep relationships frigid and distant.

I can't feel comfortable when horny females of various ages flirt unabashedly like the desperate hookers they are, out of boredom, silliness, stupidity or whatever crap reason they are doing it.

In the current state of mind, I'd like to request that the world f**k *ff bigtime! If you don't want to derive fulfillment from me or give me any, then leave me well alone, because that's better than being hurt, humiliated and harried.

8th May 2005

I need to resolve if I can drag my lazy bones to the gym today, after a 3 week absence.

Despite this long absence,I still look quite attractive physically. However, I think it would help me get out of this long lethargy by jolting my muscles with a strenuous workout today.

Read in the papers today that a horde of musclebound personal trainers left California Fitness in a huff.

Not that it makes any difference to me.

Last night, I spent an hour creating a montage which celebrates redemption, to the tune of an aria from Mozart's 'The Marriage of Figaro'.

I hope it's well-received on Gymworld!

7th May 2005

Since yesterday, I wasted a combined 4 hours at Starbucks JB trying in vain to download using a faulty wireless network. Fortunately, I didn't order a single thing, for I ensure that my downloads are proceeding before buying stuff there.

The food that I did treat myself to were a Salmon Teriyaki at Seasons Cafe and, this morning, a cranberry muffin and delightful raspberry cheesecake at Coffee Bean&Tea Leaf. The last item was particularly yummy and I took small itty-bitty bites at a time to savour the delicious white chocolaty, cheesy and yet sour taste which melded beautifully and meltingly in my mouth.


Not having any debts allows me to indulge in my love of food and reflect philosophically on life.

While I was sitting at Starbucks with frustration building up inside, I noticed a scantily-clad girl sitting behind me, in a position to be able to observe me. When I totally ignored her, she moved out after about an hour, only to return half an hour later and position herself outside directly beside me and facing the opposite direction, which I figured out is the best place to get my attention. I immediately moved my stuff to the next table, with my back pointedly in her direction.

Some people need to learn that one can't mine diamonds with worthless glass.



Of course I was frustrated at the server trouble; but I took it in my stride eventually and settled for slow-mo connection at Macs. I'm this close(thumb & index finger puckered together) to downloading the strange proceedings at the All-Around competition in Sydney....in French!

5th May 2005

I finally did it: I took profit on Venture, selling it at $14.30, after guaranteeing that I'll keep the S$500 dividend payable on the 20th.

Not a bad return in such a short time!

Looks like I'll be treating myself to a nice Japanese dinner at a fancy restaurant. Either that or some exotic food of French, Russian or Moroccan origin.

4th May 2005

This must be one of the few societies where people think you're loony for being courteous to people with lower stations in life, like waiters and cleaners.

I'm nice to these people because I'm inherently good-natured and kind; why is that so difficult to understand?

Anyway, I shan't waste another iota of energy pondering such evil in human hearts. After all, I have to give thanks for the brand new roof over my head, where the owners seem much less devious, and more kindhearted than the previous shitheads.

Also, I've downloaded some delightful videos today and in my workplace, I'm entering the cruise control phase.

Life can indeed be lovely when viewed from the proper perspective!

3rd May 2005

Today I face a dilemma: to take profit on Venture, which popped 60c up to S$14.50, showing a paper profit of over one grand, and recouping my big capital outlay after only two days, or to hold out for better gains.

Well, I've been guilty of selling too early and cutting short my profits substantially in the past, so I think I'll hold out this time. One prime example: buying Brierley stock in early 2002 at 25.5c only to sell for over a grand profit at 32c, barely 2 months later. Now, the stock is trading at well over S$1!. Another: buying C&C close to the bottom in late 2001(at S$2.69) only to sell it at around S$3.20, smug about the S$700 I pocketed.Current price? S$12.40.

Anyhow, even at this seemingly lofty price, the S$500 dividend represents a 3.4% yield, which I speculate would be attractive to potential buyers.

As i n all matters related to the stockmarket, only time will tell if I made the right decision today.

2nd May 2005

Well, I've finally moved out completely from that rat hole and settled in my new place.

There is one particular incident that maddened me today, but I have to refuse getting mad, but plan on how to get even.

Some people have to learn the hard way that it's just not worthwhile to be my enemy, for my revenge is sometimes swift and always deadly.


Tomorrow I will commence my reconnaisance of the walking distance between work and home and decide if it's practical to walk to work.

1st May 2005

Here I am relaxing a little at Macs while blogging and enjoying a well-deserved cold drink.

This morning, a colleague turned into a maid-powered mover and helped me to carry my stuff over to my new place near a town centre. And her maid was indeed a mighty mouse of sorts: small-sized but stronger than her build would let on.

After plunking my stuff down, I insisted on treating my friend and her maid to drinks in an air-conditioned food centre. Sweat was pouring down our faces and our trunks; between us, we must have sweated a litre!

Now, all I have are my Adidas bag, my laptop, my set-top box for cable TV and odds and ends.

Looks like my long weekend will be spent unpacking and reorganising the small space I'll call home from now till I-don't-know-when.

A little traumatised, I must say, since I haven't moved in 18 months, and this is the third-longest place I've stayed in, in this misbegotten society.

But endurance I possess in far greater quantities than the average individual so I'm not particularly harmed by this experience.

However, I do believe that I needed to get myself out of that cockroach-infested hole of a flat, to the current place, which is seemingly more crowded, but definitely newer, cleaner and friendlier(hopefully).