A Jaded Farewell

Today, I have decided to officially withdraw from a dating site, and from dating altogether....

A guy whom I had dated two days ago, told me that he found me rather cold and proud,even in my sms replies, and yet, when he decided that I was not right for him, did exactly the same thing: he messaged me only when I started the ball rolling, which was a huge contrast to his attitude to me before we met...

I could sense, but could not come to terms at first with, the fact that he had already lost interest in me...

No one should blame me if I decide to protect myself by stopping it altogether.

Knowing that I had so much to offer in a relationship, certain that I was willing to bend over backwards to please,sure that I looked much better than chopped liver, this recurring problem perplexed me, though I had stopped feeling hurt by these minor problems a long time ago.

Well, at least I know that he doesn't even come to close to loving another....it was yet another date motivated by the base emotion of lust.



Goodbye, AA! I thought we were meant to be, but I guess you have different ideas.


8pm update- Today, I had a refreshing workout at Cali Orchard from 530pm to 645pm , but unfortunately, as I was trying to avoid someone coming from the other direction along a narrow passage between two machines, I banged my thigh against a rusty pole which was sticking out of the end of one.

Fortunately though, the impact only broke the inner layer of skin and no blood oozed out of my thigh. After all, I'm tougher than most people, but yet I have to temper that thought with the acceptance that as I grow older, my body weakens.

Also, an added bonus came in meeting one of my favourite local BBers, Mr. L. He was hot even off-season! I offered to give him photos of himself FOC via e-mail.

I couldn't help but reflect on the way home(I had almost an hour of idleness to do it) about the state of my relationships. Believe me when I say that I have tried all manner of charms, humour and good-natured banter to establish or initiate a relationship that would eventually allow me the opportunity of caring for, and thinking about someone else almost as much as I do myself.


It really beats me how I am unable to even clear the first hurdle of having a fruitful meeting which leads to others in which we explore possibilities.


Surely, I'm entitled to be annoyed at hitting a veritable brick wall again and again. To top it all off, the person who left me guessing most recently was the one who showed most interest in me on the two dating websites I frequented.




Surprisingly, I was(and am still) able to rise above it all and maintain an optimistic(albeit stonier) outlook on life. It's not as though I haven't encountered superficiality before, but the more I try to debunk my distrust in human nature, the more I find confirmations of its ugly weaknesses in my encounters.

As a famous quotation from a speech or book went : Farewell to all that.....

Draw the last breath of the whiff of idleness...

26th June 2005

Well, it's back to grind of grimy work tomorrow, and somehow, I 'm just not looking forward to it.

Can you blame me?

Dated two people in the space of a day, the more recent one less shallow than the other.

Nope, I still can't tell if I was more than just superficially attractive to them. And this proves that I'm still unable to free myself from the shackles of desire.

I guess it could be a function of my dreading the thought of another manic Monday tomorrow.
And it's definitely a function of solitude and the feeling of not mattering to the world.

On the verge of giving up on love? You bet! On the verge of another lonely few years? We'll see...

Gave up the thought of hitting the club scene last night, because I just sensed that it would come to no good. And it'd make me a little poorer(and God knows I'm sick and tired of feeling 'poor', in all senses of the word).

Oh, I'm far from being my most philosophical right now. Or my most lucid.Or my most inspired.
But I go on because I remember that every breath I take is a gift from God. Every pleasurable sight a blessing of a miracle. Every scented smell a trip among the clouds. And every happy musing a drop of heaven.

I'm fighting to do all these, of course, but every victory is a thing greater than words can describe.

Balmy Days

21st June 2005

Vacation time also brings with it the necessity, but not the obligation, to reflect on future directions and choices.

Some choices are mundane and trivial, while others give the decider a sense of destiny.

I have believed for some time now that one of my destinies is to become rich through prudent investments in the stockmarket, though in what time frame is far from clear to me.


Yet I also hope to write a book, buy a large house, find a hunky yet intellectual soul-mate and achieve some form of fame, all within the remaining years of my life, which is indeterminate.

Yes, I have not yet lost the capacity to dream with age.

However, although I have matured enough to not set myself up to be disappointed in case any or all of those dreams aren't realised, I know that I have to believe wholeheartedly that I will achieve those aspirations in order to stand ANY CHANCE of achieving them.

The method is hazy in my mind, but I have some time till the end of the year to figure everything out.

In the meantime, I just wish to be content with the rather above-average sense of fulfillment that resides in my bosom.

A Glorious Weekend

20th June 2005

I was so busy in the past three days that I neglected to update my posts. The prelude to my cousin's wedding took place on Friday and Saturday, with the big wedding dinner falling on the night of the latter day.

It was another cherished opportunity for me to catch up with almost all my relatives, and encounter some people whom I haven't met for ages: an old servant of my auntie's family, who no longer looks stick-thin but whose face hasn't aged an iota since I last saw her in my teens.

I had breakfast on Saturday morning with my most senior uncle and aunt, when my uncle queried me on my future career in his customary straight-to-the-nub style. I vaguely broached the possibility of moving to Japan or Saudi Arabia to be a rich expatriate drawing a fat salary by teaching locals English.

He, instead, suggested China as the place where my pot of gold, so to speak, lay, as there was an unbelievably vast market for my expertise. In a precise manner that reminded me of his previous profession as an accountant, he enlightened some possible alternatives in China: the one which stood out for me was getting employment teaching English while seeking business alternatives on the side.

Somehow, this idea struck a chord in my mind and I have thus decided to seriously research and consider this alternative.

After all, I've all but made up my mind that it wasn't prudent to continue slogging on in the little- red-dot-on-the -map-of -the-world any longer, for men tended to be hopelessly parochial, fruitlessly judgemental, and condescendingly low-class.

Anyway, back to the topic of my happy weekend, I had a ball of a time watching my demure cousin get high on alcohol, gleefully observing another cousin fend off a matchmaking attempt by the bride's father, generating varied witticisms for those within earshot and preening, albeit discreetly, in my head-of-state -styled long-sleeved shirt from Australia.

And knowing that I had just corralled a speculative profit of over RM3 000 over three weeks didn't hurt either.

Tonight, I brought my dad out for a classy Fathers' Day dinner at a new Continental restaurant, willingly splurging over a hundred and twenty ringgit for a quiet(and much-needed) evening with my parents.

A constant thought in my head revolved around how all three of us were survivors, in a very real sense of the word. I felt special gratitude towards a spritely-looking, but small-sized old lady
whom I learnt had been a courier in my grandmother's courtship days, delivering love-letters clandestinely from my grandfather to my grandmother under the dark cloud of disapproval of the former's partially Thai ethnicity by the latter's parents.

If these letters had not been delivered, I might not even be alive today. This thought gave me a sense of being at one with destiny.

Also, I've chosen to stick to stock specu-vesting despite the fluctuating fortunes and misfortunes, knowing that I am better at it than I was earlier because lessons learnt from both successes and failures have equipped me with an above-average knack for predicting the direction of market prices.

To reinforce my belief in this, I have decided to highlight some of my memorable coups(albeit small potatoes compared to Soros' killings!):

1. Buying 1 000 shares of Hwa Tai(a biscuit company) in June 1998 at RM5.05 with almost all my spare savings, I put it out of my mind as it deteriorated to a RM2.46 low in August that year, only to rebound to a high of RM25.25(yes, it's not a typo) in December 5th that same year, as I held off the temptation to sell out for small- change profits. Eventually, it pulled back to RM7.40(!) but I waited and sold it off at RM 13.20 in May 2005, pocketing a handsome 8 000 in profits that helped me recover post '97 Crisis.

2. Selling 4 000 shares of Datacraft Asia close to the peak of US$1.86(I sold out at US$1.82) proved to be an uncannily prescient decision and crucial in providing me the seed capital to grow by selective specu-vesting in early 2004.

3. Boldly nibbling at fifteen penny stocks that had been hammered unjustifiably by forced-selling recently, recognising a rare opportunity in a crisis and coming out richer in the process.

14th June 2005(The Power of Thirteen)

Today is probably not a very auspicious day to touch the stockmarket so I won't. Yesterday, I made exactly RM 916.57 so it was a record day for 2005 and '13' once again proved to be a most auspicious number(just like '14' can prove to be a most inauspicious number if I'm not careful!).

13th June 2005

Today, I may have made the most in one single day for the past three weeks, as I unloaded 1,900 shares of rising Cepco on Bursa Malaysia.

Together with the profits made on UEMWorld, Konsortium and Caelygirl, my total take for today(marked by an auspicious '13') may have topped 800 ringgit.


The wireless apparatus at Starbucks JB flopped out, so I returned early.

One thought: Singaporeans(and Malaysians) are rather low-class despite all their pretensions and material trappings. Incapable of true loyalty and spurred on by their selfishness and money-worshipping ways, it's no real loss to have no S'porean or M'sian friends.

11th June 2005

Today, I realised that Cepco was the fifteenth counter that I had speculated on in the past three weeks in which I made money.

( Yesterday, I made RM318, one hundred less than on the day before).

Before this round, I had never speculated on any of these fifteen stocks. So there's always an opportunity to profit from the misfortune of others(especially those who hold shares on margin- they deserve to die!)

And my total haul in the past 3 weeks? Slightly over RM2 174( or about S$962).

Evening update: I went to the Raffles Place branch of California Fitness today and before I entered the premises, felt a hunch that I would meet someone familiar there.

Lo and behold, in the free weights section was an attractive guy with a Fridae profile whom I asked if I could date more than three weeks back. There was no reply so I guess he wasn't interested. I really wanted to go up to him and introduce myself but then I struck the snag of not knowing HOW to do it without hurting myself, in case he decided to give me a cold shoulder.

Then I started to second guess by thinking that he would probably think me desperate instead of merely being attracted to him, and so abandoned the idea altogether. We passed once as he was leaving the second floor but I put on a mask of incognizance(as usual- and I'm rather good at this too!).

I guess I'm so darn sick and tired of dead-end dates, and meetings with attractive would-be dates who turn out to be rather superficial and leave you guessing. I'm tired of trying to be a nice guy only to be taken advantage of or be met with more fakeness and insincerity. And I'm definitely tired of being left in the cold for whatever whimsical reason.

I deserve better than this, I truly do!

A guy who is intellectual, charming(when he wants to be), attractive(don't I know it, rude staring think-too-highly of yourself females!), willing, perhaps too much, to give another the benefit of the doubt just to avoid another falling out and witty.


I'm all of the above, so I deserve the very best type of partner.

And I'm willing to wait many, many days, weeks and months for him to take a look at me, and myself to take a look at him, and feel that indescribable, mutual feeling that tells us that we are fated to meet(and have wild nights together LOL!).

Yes, I have compromised myself this time by giving in to my fear(and perhaps my cowardice). And it is true that I have allowed my spontaneity to be imprisoned behind the bars of caution and circumspection.

But God must forgive me for taking steps to avoid emotional hurt when it there is a high likelihood of it happening to me. (Anyway, God would probably not approve of it in the first place, and probably smugly happy that I caved in to fear!Not that God really gives a damn about me anyway).

Anyway, if the person happens to be reading this, and knows that I am describing him, please consider that you, too, would want to be given a chance with someone you are attracted to, and although I may be eight years older than you, don't write me off on that basis alone, on preconceived notions about how I will behave: for I am a very unusual and unique 30-year-old, and I will surprise you(hopefully in a pleasant way!).

10th June 2005

The stockmarket continued to be strong today, on both sides of the Causeway, as I managed to unload another 1,500 shares of KFM at an even higher price of RM0.91. Cepco finally made a move today, as it advanced 28 sen to allow me to unload 500 shares at prices ranging from 2.44 to 2.50(the highest price of the day).

On the S'pore side, the market was strong, the main index rising over 22 points, and shares of Israeli diamond precision machine maker Sarin Technologies, which I had bought not three weeks ago, are now priced at 39.5 cents, 33.9 % above my purchase price of 29.5 cents. Of course, I wish I had bought more than the 5,000 shares in my CDP account, but I guess one can't ask for the sky.

It's a rather monotonous day otherwise, so I guess I'll go no further in relating it.

9th June 2005

Today was a continuation of my winning ways as I unloaded some shares which I had bought speculatively yesterday, and also some which I have been holding for some weeks(also speculatively!).

Most memorably, I sold 3 000 of the 5 000 shares of KFM which I had accumulated yesterday at the very last moment, probably just seconds before the market closed, when the price suddenly surged upward by 10c at in final couple of minutes. This inexplicable jump was probably due to some poor fart short-seller who had hoped to make some money betting on a downward movement of the share price after the price languished in the red for most of the day(causing me some concern as well I might add) and the speculative fervour died down and the price of some penny stocks turned south. So this unlucky fool had to buy back the shares he didn't own in the first place just to balance everything up. Unfortunately, he had to but them at a much higher price than he sold them at, so he(or they) probably lost big.

On that counter alone I made close to RM300 today.

I hit the gym at sometime after 2pm today and felt very happy generally, as I realised that I don't need a man to experience happiness. It is the satisfaction and contentment(partly due to having made the right calls in the stockmarket) that I hold on to in my heart.

Had lunch with two of my closest colleagues, and had the chance to learn of the dilemma of one, and the uncertainty facing the other.

I had to give them a treat at the Warren Country Club because of my recent hard-worn freedom from contractual obligations. It was worth every cent, of course, for friendship, no matter how mercenary, is valuable at the moment of purchase: it allows me to vent some of my frustration, as well as to train my 'little grey cells' in thinking about others' problems.


Still, I find it amusing that youngsters these days court supposed romance at their peril. Recently, I read the blog of one of these: the first thing mentioned in that day's entry was that he was 'officially attached', only to be followed by a plethora of obscenities against his former lover whom he felt had betrayed him. As though he didn't betray others himself!

It's true that what goes around does come around, and sometimes faster than one ever hopes will NOT happen.

More Moolah!(8th June 2005)

Today, the power of '8' again made itself felt as I made over RM670 on Bursa Malaysia, and probably made my remisier very happy by trading heavily (turnover of over 20,000 ringgit) today.

Yesterday, I decided to balk at staying in a hotel again, and settled instead for a RM75 a night inn, with complimentary breakfast. It was quite nice!

The Seduction of Spoiling Yourself(7th June 2005)

Yesterday, I had a good time selling stocks that I had nibbled at after they plunged due to (others') margin calls. Today I found out that, on a contra basis, I had made RM489.75 yesterday alone, without having to pay a single cent for a share of stock. So I decided to treat myself to a mini holiday at a 5-star hotel in Johor Bahru, where I go online regularly at Starbucks.

I hate the fucking food there but I love the downloading speeds. Yesterday alone, I downloaded almost 980MB, including a 3 hour documentary called 'The Corporation'. And I finished downloading ABC's coverage of the Men's All-around competition at the '97 World Championships.

As at time of writing, I have made approximately enough today(by reducing my stake in Tanamas by 3,000 at 61.5 cents after buying at 53 cents) to just cover my expenses for, perhaps(I haven't decided yet), another night at the hotel.


This is extravagance that is rather alien to my true nature, but at least I realise how otherwise sane folk end up inundated in debt(credit card, property, vehicle loan, you name it!).

Where formal education falls short: Singaporeans look good on paper, education-wise but when it comes to their finances, they might as well have the intellect of armadillos, or be born in the planet Zoo-zoo!

As for me, I have S$ 32 000 in the bank so I'm no in a terrible financial shape. However, I musn't let my flush feeling turn me into a helium-head!


On the downloading front, I have finished downloading the French International 2005, as well as a BBC documentary(love those!) called 'The Power of Nightmares'.

Today, business is a little slow, with only 410MB downloaded since 12 20 pm.

But I'm downloading some good stuff, so I'm not complaining.

As of today, my contra profits from the past 10 days total over RM1 000, and I'm rather pleased with myself! Of course, another 600-700 on top of that comes from profits on shares already paid for.

I read the blog of a former paramour today, and realise that that person has suffered exactly what I cursed him with. The viciousness of the language! Makes me glad I didn't stay with him!!

Lessons from Fiorina(5th June 2005)

Today I read an inspiring article in the Sunday Times, the most rousing excerpt of which is as follows:

"..When you challenge other people's of who or how you should be, they may try to diminish and disgrace you.

You can spend a lifetime resenting the tests, angry about the slights and injustices. Or, you can rise above it.

People's ideas and fears can make them small- but they cannot make you small. People's prejudices can diminish them- but they cannot diminish you.

Small-minded people can think they determine your worth. But only you can determine your worth.

At every step along the way, your soul will be tested. Every test you pass will make you stronger.

But let's not be naive. Sometimes, there are consequences to staying true to what you believe. But as long as you understand the consequences and accept the consequences, you are not only stronger as a result, you're more at peace."

This portion of the speech that Ms Fiorina made to North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University rang deeply in my heart and soul, as I live in a society chock-full of small-minded people who feel entitled to judge and belittle others because they can't endure the envy and jealousy they feel towards others. Some(in my opinion) are unattractive, loud, obscene, ill-mannered and generally have more imperfections than the objects of their derision.

And now my awareness that these people cannot make me less significant with their unsavoury thoughts(though they'd like to) is crystallising, and this will help me cope with the coldness and callousness of this mercenary world.

And it helped me to pinpoint, to a significant extent, my lifelong insecurity: I have allowed myself to entertain the illusion that I'm constantly being judged unfavourably by strangers who meet me for the first time. My shyness is forced to defend itself by rearing the ugly face of arrogance to the surface.

Thus, I need to stop judging myself on behalf of others.

4th June 2005

This week, I made about S$400 on the Bursa Malaysia, details of which are as follows:

PROFIT/LOSS FOR WEEK ENDED 3/6/05
STOCK
QTY
P/L(RM)
1.Talam
6,500
526.38
2.BIG
1,000
96.99
3.Polymate
1,000
98.71
4.IPower
1,000
74.27
5.SAAG
1,200
73.40
TOTAL
10,700
869.75

2nd June 2005

I'm now free of course, and I'd like to be happy also. Unfortunately, there's no way that would happen unless I change my mindset about life and what I'd like to do with it.

Making money on the stockmarket is starting to lose its ability to thrill me. Today, I recouped S$800 invested in a risky instrument that I was sure I was going to lose a large part, if not all, of. And on Bursa Malaysia, I made over RM 100 on another volatile counter.

Yet, the thrill hardly lasted more than a couple of minutes.

I guess I have to start aiming for large, outsized amounts of money for further thrills. Too bad I'm too conservative to ever hope of achieving this within this year, which may turn out to be an annus horribilis financially.

Being free of contractual obligations is a good thing, but now I have to crack my head over the direction of my work and means of support come year-end 2005.

The advantage is that I can mull over this and other issues for some weeks.