One by one my leaves fall...

I realize I haven’t been thinking in an acceptably rational way in the year to date, for I allowed the quest for someone to hug, hold and call my own to sabotage what I should have focused on this year: what to do with my potential future( I say potential because life can easily be wrenched from our bodies at any Godly whim).

Had a weird idea of designing a logo for this spot illustrating 8 gravestones to identify the eight still-born relationships I had this year. Actually, many weren’t really relationships but just dates which didn’t go beyond the first meeting for whatever reasons. I accept the failure of these rendezvous to be part of my dismal reality this year, together with a patchy investment performance and a deteriorating career.


Some may wonder what keeps me going despite major and minor setbacks taking their various turns to intrude and override my considerable efforts in finding happiness and success in my life.

Have you ever had the feeling that nothing in your life is working out no matter how hard you think about it and worry and strain your butt flat out trying ?

Well, 2005 has been such a time for me. The other years were 1997, 2000 and 2002.

I’m flying to Shanghai on Wednesday for a six day trip. Today, I changed around two thousand four hundred bucks into travellers’ cheques which should barely cover everything.

If you are reading this, please pray for my safety(even if you don’t believe in God).

For this, I thank you :)

Haphazard musings...

Love, like fear and greed, is irrational.


An upright and ever immaculate lady teacher once appeared with her blouse zipper open.

A long overdue hug forced a tear from my lachrymal gland...

My looks allow me to have any member of the opposite gender I please, with some even willing to have their relationship exist side by side with many others but I'm interested in none of them...

Penetrated someone...so what?

Sex isn't what it's made out to be for me, unfortunately.

The most embarrassing thing about my sexcapade on Friday night was that my piston remained limp( probably a symptom of fatigue) after a couple of minutes of novelty-induced arousal.

Although I was still exhausted from lack of sleep today, I still headed to the gym at Orchard determined to work out, and work out alone.

The General Manager of the Club made me the most ridiculous sales pitch I've ever encountered in years: $8 a year membership to catch my attention and an inducement to listen on....only to tell me a minute later that I had to pay $2888 for a 'lifetime membership' thingy.

"So how did you guys work out the $8 a year?"

"It's for life..."

(Brain: you didn't answer my question shtttoooopiddd!)

Mouth:"Oh....So it's NOT $8 a year..."

[Insert blankness here]

".....I only go for short-term plans. (Too courteously:) Thank you...."


DUHHHHHH.

They must be facing an acute cash crunch. Anyway, they had just replaced the metal soap holders with classy triangular glass ones, only to see them disappear one at a time initially, then all at once later. Sigh...Singaporeans can be such cheap thieves.


Well, I visited Marche once again after a long spell of absence and spent $19.90(reflecting poorer times, but with a spirit of optimism about better ones).

Yes, I am back in my most familiar, yet still uncomfortable, state : solitude.

Relieving myself in the gym toilet stall....

...by kissing and groping a little. More to come on Friday night.

New ideas that may be profitable,but we'll have to see...

Made about $360 on short-term speculation of the stock of Beauty China today. A small feather in the cap of a largely uninspiring year.

Thinking of loading up on the put options of Capitaland, a hugely overvalued stock. If the stock price falls, the option price will rise in large percentage terms.

Ah, well...I still hope to become rich.

Hello again...

....my electronic diary! You're the only one whom I can converse with, who will not betray me in any way or hurt me, although I must admit that my skin has become tough as leather with all the knives of betrayal,disappointment and unhappiness that have been hurled at me.

I will recount all the instance, but suffice to mention that eight dates have come to nought year-to-date.

Am I bitter? If I let myself become so, yes.... but that is occurring farther and farther between
normalcy.

Am I still disappointed? Well, you might as well as me if I'm human...

However, I've trained my mind to suppress disappointment in my waking hours as far as possible.

YES, I'M FUCKING ABNORMAL!

There, catharsis....anger out my nostrils.

But I'd like to think of myself as unique. A placatory euphemism.


I've no one to talk to, unlike so many people who hang out in the places I go to to chill.

But heaven knows I've tried. And tried. And tried.

It hurts...

Busy...

I have heard this word used by two people in the past two weeks. One of them I had a fling with and the other claims he's interested in me.


Funny how in modern day society, this word is flung about carelessly like a dirty tablecloth into the dishwasher, to be recycled as and when needed in subsequent awkward situations:

"I'm kinda busy right now..."

"Sorry, but something cropped up: I am busy..."

"Very busy this week at work..."

and such like. Oh, God knows I've thrown this word around myself throughout the span of my breathing consciousness, so, as I responded to one of them: "I understand :-)".

The ':-)' is genuine as much as one is genuinely tickled by some excuse they've given others that is in turn thrown back at them like a frisbee.

On deeper reflection, we're 'busy' if, and only if, we don't wish to see someone, or become so hopelessly pragmatic that we do not wish to waste an extra minute(or second even) on the person who tries to meet up because we know there is nothing to be gotten out of it.


Well, it may well be a genuine use of that word but I still smile knowingly inside everytime I hear it.

One By One sung by Enya
Here am I
Yet another goodbye!
He says Adios, says Adios,
And do you know why
She won't break down and cry?
- she says Adios, says Adios, Goodbye.
One by one my leaves fall.
One by one my tales are told.
It's no lie
She is yearning to fly.
She says Adios, says Adios,
And now you know why
He's a reason to sigh-
she says Adios, says Adios, Goodbye.
- she says Adios, says Adios, Goodbye.

One by one my leaves fall.
One by one my tales are told
My, oh my!
She was aiming too high.
He says Adios, says Adios,
And now you know why
There's no moon in her sky-
he says Adios, says Adios, Goodbye.No Goodbyes

For love brightens their eyes.
Don't say Adios, say Adios,
And do you know why
There's a love that won't die?-
don't say Adios, say Adios, Goodbye.-
don't say Adios, say Adios, Goodbye.-
don't say Adios, say Adios, Goodbye.

lyrics by Romi Ryan

JaGgeD HoRizoN

5th November 2005

Another night spent alone, yet knowing that I was better off in solitude than looking for company in all the wrong places. I even wrote a short beginning to a song, and voiced some of the lyrics in 'Time After Time'.


The Rose sung by Bette Midler

Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dyingthat never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winterfar beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring becomes
the rose

Time After Time

Time After Time sung by Cyndi Lauper


Lying in my bed
I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion--Is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after--

Sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
Time after time
After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows--you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time--

You said go slow--I fall behind
The second hand unwinds--

© 1983 Rellla Music Co. (BMI) and Dub Notes (ASCAP)All Rights Reserved

Soar above stifling pragmatism...

3rd November 2005

Imprisoned.

All of us are to different degrees or extents. What is important is whether we realise it or not.

Have you watched the hit movie 'Matrix'?

Human beings are trapped for an overwhelming proportion of their lives in the 'Matrix' of governmental red-tape, social norms, our own fears, prejudices and desires.

Breaking free of this intangible but all-too-powerful control is, to me, one of the most virtuous goals in life.

For me, I'm not one to be bound by pressure to be heterosexual, get married and buy a ticket to the ageing, balding, struggling, debt-laden middle class.

How wonderful it would be if everyone had someone to reassure them that their affection would remain constant through the tribulations, and despite their faults.


'True Colours' sung by Cyndi Lauper

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,Like a rainbow

© 1986 Denise Barry Music and Billy Steinberg Music (ASCAP)