31st March 2005

I didn't update my blog yesterday only because there was a technical problem. My life is still in a little bit of a funk: don't even have the motivation to go to the gym anymore because I know my chances of meeting someone I like are close to nil.

Or rather, I realise that the person I like will likely pretend that he isn't aware of my existence, because of obligatory pretences of people nowadays. And the hurt I will feel is out of proportion to the benefits of the exercise I will get.

Although I try my very best to be stoic about it and deal with it to the best of my ability(which I succeed in doing most of the time), there is an underlying, gnawing core of sadness which can only be explained by disappointment about my love life.

*Sigh* I really can't be 100% happy alone I guess. And unlike Ray, who claims he doesn't have anyone to turn to, I have don't even have immediate family available for support, let alone a lasting network of gay friends.

He was quite dismissive ( or rather laconic) yesterday when I tried to chat him up: must be thinking I only want the three letter word thingy. Or that I'm of no importance to him.

I really don't get it: I do try very hard to be warm to others, and yet some people avoid me like the plague.

What have I done to deserve it?

I don't know. And thinking about it only makes me more upset.


So I won't think about it. Surviving is already hard enough for me...