4th March 2005

I'm better today, but still companionless and rather lacking in stamina. A general lethargy due to pessimism about life probably.

I had planned to go to the gym today but then felt that it would not be worth my trouble nor am I up to the challenge of the treadmill today; I can go on Saturday.

On the other hand, I could have worked off my buried frustration and creeping guilt by pounding out reps on machines. But I guess it's a moot point now...

I'm dateless because I feel that there's not a single person in the world I really, genuinely care about or even think of. Those who have expressed interest in me haven't followed through on that initial signal so that has forced me to seek solace within.

Here I am in a McDonalds eavesdropping on a conversation between immature people from my workplace, some unflattering comments about a senior colleague, whom I'm far from fond of anyway.

Yesterday, I prayed(in a less-than-wholehearted manner) that I would be able to make the right decisions(while thinking about my finances). The trouble with the world we live in nowadays is that almost everything eventually boils down to money, that eternal source of evil. So can we really blame any person for structuring, scheduling and wrapping their life around economic concerns tighter than a shrink wrap around a stinking fish?

I find the people around me intolerably superficial. I am rather superficial too when it comes to making friends: I'd be the first to admit that looks are paramount in making male friends, and, to a much smaller extent, in making female ones. However, for the latter category, I tend to avoid the bitchy or overly gorgeous or sexy ones religiously.

Well, looks never fail to attract at first glance, something I'm reminded on a daily(and sometimes hourly) basis.

Anyhow, my plans for 2005 look like they'll be derailed by unforseen circumstances.

Today, I finished downloading Pocahontas and went almost halfway in getting another of my favourites, Apt Pupil.


Also, I did something today which some people may view as foolhardy but which I think is a courageous act. Maybe I did it because I'm no longer afraid to lose many things which other people view as crucial in their lives.

Wish me luck!