30th April 2005

I'm feeling quite perky today, after a refreshing night.

Also, today I celebrate downloading my 36th complete movie,Shaun of the Dead, since discovering my all-consuming hobby in late 2003.

Along with that, are 92 episodes of The Simpsons, 6 episodes of Sex&the City, 7 episodes of Will& Grace, 5 episodes of Strangers with Candy, one episode of Frasier, 6 episodes of Family Guy, 1 episode of SouthPark and 2 episodes of Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

In the bag also are over 15 documentaries on subjects ranging from Ancient Civilisation to Space and Black Holes.

And my gymn and skating vids already take up a combined total of 220GB of disk space.


On the financial side, the Dow rose 121 points on Friday, perhaps setting me up for a good post- May Day rally. My investment in Venture is paying S$500 in tax-free dividends, with the ex-date pegged at 5th May, so I can sell from that day on and still pocket the dough, payable in late May.

Looks like it's time to take the plunge and do some double-quick large speculative trades on both the KL and Singapore markets.

My friend will be helping me move tomorrow, with maid in tow. So it's not a bad time to hope for new and better beginnings in my life, cast the hurt of the past few months to figurative hell, and
move on to higher ground.

You, the reader, will not believe the extent people will go to turn my face, no matter that they're as fat as an elephant or as ugly as sin.

My conclusion is that the world is chock-full of desperate people.

A young army boy of mixed ethnicity wrote to me two days ago expressing interest. However, I was unable to decipher his actual(as opposed to his professed) intentions.

Some people try to win their way to your heart, just to get something they want from you, believing you're dumb enough to fall for what must be one of the oldest tricks in the book. Not only does this insult my intelligence, it exposes their mercenary nature and reflects how self-centred our society has become.

Such people believe in my supposed gullibility at their own peril.

29th April 2005

I feel rather pleased today, despite some (minor) annoyances in the morning, and in spite of several unattractive people giving me the carnal eye. I managed to download in excess of 2GB in Starbucks today, and was pleasantly surprised to see Venture stock rising 70c to S$13.90, just as I paid S$13,277.27 for the shares *cry*. It was my biggest single outlay for an investment ever. Well, I'm not assuming that this increase will hold till Monday, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. :x

28th April 2005

It's pouring outside, reminding me of the state of my life now:seemingly an outsider wherever I go, forced to spend my last waking hours in darkness, sure that no-one in this society will mourn me if I were to pass from this mortal coil.

Yet, through all this personal turmoil, my life is filled with internally-generated optimism, for I need not have a lover at my beck and call to be imbued with an awareness that life is beautiful; that listening to a simple lilting duet from Mozart's opera can make an entire injustice-filled life seem worthwhile, that people need not be made to understand your contentment with your own life, regardless of how dim prospects seem, that a willingness to leave this Earth here and now is a prescription for a life free from fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of solitude.

And finally, gratitude for the multitudinous blessings life has bestowed upon me tempers the anger and frustration at the root of my unhappiness.

I give thanks for my good looks, my health, my worn but still sharp wit, my job, my still-intact family, spread though it is over two continents and four countries, my musicality, my still-dogged determination to overcome the odds, my still substantial bank account, my downloaded treasures, my hardiness in a society where I'm perceived mostly as merely a means to an end, my ability to turn my solitude into a boon from a bane, and countless other unthought-of blessings.

Why would I choose to exchange this for a union of moderated conflict of selfishness between two individuals, who feed off each other just because they want to, and may end up bankrupting one or the other, both morally and financially?

Ultimately, I truly believe that one can be content when he is great to himself. That's it: I'm great to myself and that's all that matters.

27th April 2005

I finally found a place to move to ! Relatively close to where I am now, and 2o minutes from my workplace, it was discovered throught the prompting of a caring colleague, who woke me out of my inertial stupor and made me look through the Classifieds in the newspaper.

26th April 2005

Another day gone by, another day closer to the time I dread, when I have to move to a new environment, an unfamiliar set of surroundings.

But what I'm certain of is that life will change for the better once I'm done moving out of my current hole in a HDB flat.

Besides, I've been there much too long already.

25th April 2005

Today, I breezed through a presentation which I had been dreading for so long. The key was preparation: I spent about 45 mins yesterday putting it all together in a powerpoint presentation, complete with hyperlinks to videos(my favourite possession!), had a swell time doing it, and the enjoyment flowed over into my execution and delivery of the presentation.

Time was a little short, but it didn't diminish my inner confidence and conviction in my material.

Although it had nothing to do with my feeling on top of my job, I feel slightly relieved that Venture is now trading at S$13.60, as opposed to my purchase price of S$13.20. Of course, fortunes can change in a split second of souring sentiments, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

24th April 2005

Same shit, different day.

Tennis scoreline was 6-1 before I ran out of gas. However, the scoreline did not reflect(again) the back-and-forth winning points. In the first game, we went to deuce 7 times, and I had the advantage 3 times. In the second game, I pulled up to 15-40 with a marvellous display of ball retrieval skills, running down the ball four times before closing in on the net for a low winner to the corner.The shot of the day!

Today, I feel a renewed, rather inexplicable confidence that all will be well.

23rd April 2005

I will be staying at home today, packing my sparse possessions into luggage and sturdy bags, still without a place to stay, but hoping against hope that I'll find one soon.

Unfortunately, I can't do much to help my situation, except to place out ads and flyers(which I have).

There are no parents around to ease my suffering, no friend to talk to who really cares, because they take the roof over their head, or the ATM parent sheltering and nurturing them for granted.

Deep down, one is truly alone in this society, where being different is frowned upon as heresy, and where people persist in their idiocy and shallow convictions, seemingly wearing their ignorance like a tarnished badge.

The pursuit of money and luxurious living is all-consuming, with humanity thrown out into the ditch.

I've never resorted to consoling myself by thinking that some would readily spend the millions at their disposal just to look somewhat better than a hog or to ameliorate their perceived ugliness in some way, while I need change nothing about my own facial features. For what I need to improve can be addressed with gym workouts.

I can console myself with the fact that I have more disposable cash than two-thirds of the people in the supposedly richest country in the world, and almost all the people my age here, who are typically laden with credit card debt, car loans and property loans, which they aren't aware, or refuse to acknowledge, that will keep them financially strapped for the large portion of the remainder of their lives.

But that would be making one of the biggest mistakes of all: settling for less which, not surprisingly, has become a habit for people here, growing comfortable with mediocrity.

It rots their brain.

22nd April 2005

Here I am, sitting in my office cubicle, pondering the ironies of life.

How some people can remain in the wilderness for such an impossibly long time.

How much the survivors of emotional adversity must have had to steel their emotions, souls and minds against the angst of being alone and uncared for.

How much inner strength they have had to muster to smile beatifically at the world.

How people who shortchange, swindle and sweet-talk their way to shinier titles and fatter salaries thrive materially at the expense of those who have had to battle constantly against their evil tendencies.

How some do what they wish to, instead of what they should, despite all the highfaluting education and university degrees and doctorates they possess.

And how the adjective 'financial' or 'affluent' is usually the only significant yardstick of success.

A tune constantly plays in my mind as I ponder these irreconcilable facts.

A tune that starts in a hope-inspiring melody, climbs a little to lift the listener's spirit, weaves in the minor key to incontrovertibly suggest hardship or tragedy, and then straightens out to seemingly hold hidden promise for the future.

That is how I wish my life would turn out. I'm no longer naive enough to believe that my life will glide from one happiness to another, as I did in my not-so-long-ago youth, but I would also fight tooth and nail to ensure it won't lurch from pathos to pathos.

I'm struggling in this now, with some aspects of my life churning out of my control, but I believe against all appearances that my beatific smile will eventually be from the bottom of my heart.

21st April 2005

I have put half of my liquid moolah on the line by buying 1,000 shares of Venture Corp on the SGX, betting on the possibility that it will rise ahead of a dividend payment which works out to a 3.7% return at the current price of S$13.20.

Being tired of fearfulness, I've decided to put my mettle to the test, and hope for the best.

20th April 2005

Nothing much to relate today, except for a lunch with a couple of colleagues, that also allowed me to collect my bodybuilding photos from the shop...

18th April 2005

Don't feel much like blogging today, even though I'm in a far more relaxed mood than yesterday.

One thing I'm really wondering about today is whether all that is happening to me is mostly my own fault. Outwardly, I don't look approachable because I am painfully shy and avoid the limelight whenever possible. Unfortunately, this has, over the years, turned into arrogance and bitchiness because if I weren't akin to a durian fruit, my delicate and sensitive insides would be ravaged by others.

And I can't allow that to happen to me.God (if there is one, and I strongly believe there isn't one) knows I have been ravaged enough by unfavourable situations, parental neglect, bad luck and insensitive people.

Other people are never motivated by concern for others:they are more strongly influenced and motivated by desire.If this weren't true, families wouldn't be breaking under the strain and stress of modern living.

That's partially why children exist: to renew the cycle of life, as well as to act as the glue to hold the family unit together.

Life ensures survival, but not of those beyond reproductive age. Man however, has twisted and distorted this picture so much by their putting King Moolah on the pedestal, that those with power and money ensure their own survival by preserving their own gene pool, at the expense of the genes of impoverished peoples.


However, I believe wholeheartedly in the saying ' Every dog has its day' and the years are on my side if I am destined to live a full lifespan.

One day, I'll deliver the goods. To myself.

17th April 2005

I dreamt of finally winning in tennis against Peter the Great but again failed in my quest.

The scoreline doesn't reflect how ding-dong the match was : no less than five deuces, with terrific winners at times from both of us.

However, one thing remained constant: my inability to convert: I was up 40-0 twice, only to go to deuce, ding-dong a little and then lose the point.

The score was rather demoralising: 6-1, 6-2, 6-2.

Ah, well. At such times, I feel the need to be consoled by the words of Pierre de Coubertin: The important thing is not the winning, but the taking part(and fighting well).

A disaster struck me right after my early morning workout: I realised that somewhere along the way, my key pouch had dropped out of my shorts pocket.

Had to then call a locksmith to literally break in. Importantly, I managed to make it to the S'pore bodybuilding championships and take quite a few photos and video the whole event.

16th April 2005

Again, the Blogger(spell booger) site(spell spite) failed(refused?) to upload my post for the 15th.

It feels very much as if I'm going through the motions of daily routine, with a weak prognosis for the future and a tired mind.


Of course, I could be dead, which is worse.

I struggle, but my trials
Make me stronger
For the survival of them.
Is something wrong with me
I wonder,
My solitude clouding
All thought of happiness
Sometimes I stare down
From the third floor
And actually contemplate
Jumping down
For I'm low in the mind
And madness beckons
Me into its darkness.
In my dreams,
I struggle and emerge
Into the light eventually.
Like the white-haired fossil
in Charles Dicken's novel
A Tale of Two Cities
A survivor
A stalwart among entities!

14th April 2005

I am still in a bit of a stupor which I can't pinpoint accurately to any one source. Happiness seems to be a goal which seems to ever be beyond the reach of my desperate grasping hand.

Pessimism is a habit I find extremely hard to kick.

Here I am wishing I had a magic bullet to cure my pathos!


Why am I sad?

Perhaps because I am virtually homeless and have no working light source in my room.

Perhaps because my libido is being tried on a scale never before experienced.

Perhaps I'm too mentally tired to do even the simplest of tasks, with my mood held hostage by the flailing equity markets.


Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

13th March 2005

I went to work today with a heavy heart and a tired spirit, despite the fact that my scheduled workload was rather light.

However, I know that despite all these strikes against me, I will muddle through and live despite the odds.

One day, one fine day, I will finally hit the fulfillment jackpot so to speak.

12th April 2005

When I returned home yesterday night, I discovered a notice claiming that it was my last day and asking for me to return my keys.

It seems that recently, I can't go for 3 hours at a stretch without some new misfortune clouding my horizon.

The advantage for me is that this event wakes me up from my stagnant stupor, where I'm at a loss about what to do. After all, I am being asked to transplant my possessions at short notice. However, the light in my room has refused to behave all this time and I have no choice but to move. And sooner is better than later, for the sake of my eyesight.

What I've done is print out leaflets and I plan to put them into the mailboxes of flatowners living in my block so that I'll not have to experience the pain of transplanting not just myself and my possessions, but my whereabouts as well.

11th April 2005

Hi blog!

I'm back at Macs hoarding the broadband again! Went through the day in a virtual daze as I realised to my horror that I had left my shoebag in this place yesterday after that downloading binge.

Had already assessed the likelihood of retrieving my 2-month-old Reebok shoes at virtually nil when I left for work, so you can understand the lack of enthusiasm during the day.


In my mind, I was already planning to spend over $50 on a new pair of shoes, trying to make myself feel better by reminding myself that that pair was already soaked through with the sweat of my many workouts and tennis matches.

Fortunately, my office wireless connection was excruciatingly slow, so I decided to resume re-targeting my daily quota at the same place.

I checked my favourite spot where I had left it and also the little cupboard next to the disposal chute. Unsurprisingly, it wasn't there. Next, I glanced behind the front counter and could not spy my shoebag or anything resembling it.

Then as I looked towards the eZ-Link machine, my heart leapt as I spied a familiar bulging bag lying on the ground in front of the manager's desk! I knew I had found my shoes!!

The staleness of the stockmarket currently has darkened my mood sufficiently so a little lifting of the spirit is a welcome event indeed!

I'm thus glad to just make it through today and am targeting a beaten-down stock for tomorrow: KL- listed Mahajaya!

10th April 2005

Just came from a refreshing tennis match with my usual tennis partner Peter. As yet, there is no question of my losing to him, as he is, despite being older, way more experienced and has many strategies up his sleeve.

After being almost whitewashed in the first set(I was 0-5 down and managed to struggle and win back 1 point before going down 1-6), I sprang to a 3- 0 lead, but in less than 15 minutes, Peter had equalised 3-3. He found it slightly harder to go up to 4-3( we went to deuce at least 4 times), but my serve started to let me down big time.

So, after just a little resistance at 5-3(3 deuces), he wrapped up 6-1, 6-3. The scoreline was slightly better than last week, but I was angry at myself for not capitalising on the early lead in the second set.

Dogged determination allowed me to snatch the lead, but lack of skill let me down at the crucial moments. There were several memorable winners on my part, namely an ace in the first set, two passing forehand winners and two service return winners that were too quick to be retrieved by Peter. He was nice and commended these winners with 'Beautiful!' , which they were of course!(tongue-in-cheek).

However , the final score reflected the match experience level fairly well, though even that should be discounted with the supposed age advantage I had over him.


However, sport is like life, and the fight is more important sometimes than the result of the day.

I know in my soul that victory will be mine, and soon.

My love life is still at nil, which doesn't really bother me, considering the trash out there.

Having some preoccupied fun on the gymnastics forum which I've already been on for over a year. I have made 337 posts as of today, which is remarkable considering the fact that I had only made 2 posts until August last year.


My baby's screen still hasn't healed itself so I'm still typing this on my company laptop *sigh*.

But I choose to soldier on regardless, in tennis and in life.

9th April 2005

Yesterday, as I was publishing my blog, it got lost in the process(again!).

So, here I am on a cool Saturday morning typing it out again.

( LESSON LEARNT: Copy your blog before you press the publish button, just in case)
I recently got an e-mail from Ray, asking me to share(or sell, but preferably give to) my Will and Grace downloads with him.

Then my mind wandered to the time on MSN Chat when he sort of ignored me and gave me the impression that he thought of me as "I've done it with you, and now you are of no consequence to me".

And yet, he dared to .....

I guess it's in the teenage constitution to not give a hoot about anyone but themselves. But I would have liked to tell him that there is this principle of the emotional bank account: if you don't deposit into someone's account, there is nothing to withdraw.

So, there are "INSUFFICIENT FUNDS", Ray.

Anyway, I had a great day from the downloading aspect, hitting 785MB in Starbucks and an additional 15MB back home.

I was debating whether to stay overnight in JB and resume my binge early the next morning. But finally, my decision was not to be extravagant and save my money for a rainy day.

After all, I had just paid for RM 6 038 worth of shares, with two counters rising and two falling from my cost price.


I read a sign by the main road that reminded readers that " Life is a blank slate; it's what you choose to write on it."

Try as I might(mightily) to believe it wholeheartedly, I believe the truth is a refined version:
" Life may be a slate scratched up by others from the moment you were brought into this world, but you can choose to unscratch it, though it may take 30 years."

I guess the above version is adapted to fit my own peculiar circumstances; try being optimistic from the get-go when someone you hardly know(and was hired to take care of you) tries to suffocate you with a pillow in your defenceless infancy as their perverted version of fun.


AND that your so-called parents brushed it off until they discovered bite marks all over your body.

I'm a misogynist(think that is spelt correctly) for it's hard to erase that nightmare which stains my soul.

However, the detached contentment from the world that I felt this morning holds out some hope that I can overcome this emotional and psychological 'handicap'.

What I'm really trying to say is that people only see the external hardness which are like the natural calluses that protects that hands of a manual labourer from further damage.

In actual fact, my expressionless and rather cold exterior protects my warmer but more vulnerable self deep inside, which is fighting hard to be secure and happy, and has been for over two decades.

I could moon endlessly over how it could have been had I not been mistreated as an infant but it would be counterproductive and it would compromise the remaining seconds of my life, every single one of which is more precious than platinum or diamonds.

In fighting the gallant fight, I treasure the kindness of others, for they are as rare as gems.

There, I've experienced my cathartic release; I vow never to speak of it again.

7th April 2005

My baby's screen started giving me the same problem as that which occurred a month ago.

It really takes the wind out of my sails as far as my enthusiasm in life is concerned.

I'm not giving that easily of course: now, I'm using my company laptop to watch my precious downloads.

The truth is that I'm shortchanging my current employer(the key word is current), but I'm being true to my conscience and my soul in my daily affairs.

On a lighter note, do watch the new comedy 'Strangers with Candy', currently only aired in the U.S.(yes! I confess! I downloaded it!!)

4th March 2005

Here I am at Starbucks, downloading like a frenzied tech nut again. It's currently closing in on 3pm and I'm at 1.35GB,having finished downloading some exciting files, like the '96 Atlanta Men's Vault Final, and a couple of Simpsons episodes.

The speeds are not as fast as my record-beaking day of March 21st but I'm not complaining!


4:30pm update:Right now, I've completed 2.34GB of downloads, and the new movie 'Constantine' is eight minutes away from completion! I've also completed a couple of large gymnastics contest files in the interim....

3rd April 2005

Aaaah, my blog disappeared during publishing....

So I'll just summarise what I wrote:

• To me, the Pope is just a figurehead, ensconced in his ivory city, with very little inkling of what happens in the world at large, so his passing didn't bring a tear to my eye.
• I'm not really surprised, though I needed a timely reminder after reading about Beckham's life, that extreme wealth and worldwide fame is no magic concoction for happiness.

Darn, it feels good to remain at the same dismal level instead of rising like a rocket and falling like a spent meteorite!

3rd April 2005

The Pope's death cast a little pall over my Sunday, but it didn't last.

To me, the Pope is just a figurehead, ensconced in his ivory city, with very little inkling of what happens in the world at large.

But I know he is viewed as Jesus on Earth by most Catholics. To me, he is just a holy(but flawed just the same) man who is required to perform all sorts of ceremonies and rituals, which may mean little to 99.9% of the world's population.

I'm not dissing him; just expressing a heartfelt opinion.

I recall a remark a university mate of mine made almost a decade ago to this day: Why should we listen to a man talk about poverty and starvation when his tummy is always full?

To me, it doesn't detract from his achievements, both public and private.

It's just as well that I'm in a rather less-than-rosy period of my life overall,so it doesn't spoil anything.

Already, I have learnt to discount news dished out by networks in forming my impressions about the world at large.

David Beckham is now in the news for all the wrong reasons(to him) and he's the perfect case study for how extreme wealth and worldwide fame is no recipe for happiness.Crows feet around the eyes, thinning hair?

About time!

Darn, it feels good to remain at the same dismal level than to rise like a rocket and fall like a spent meteorite!

2nd April 2005

Cultivating optimism is more hard work than I had bargained for.

I can't tolerate people staring at me unabashedly and this is denting my ability to be unabashedly confident myself.

Today it's some stupid mother-daughter(ugly *shudders*) pair who's trying desperately to get my attention. Poor sods! I'm totally ignoring them.

I'd be overjoyed if someone I was attracted to would look at me for longer than a few seconds.

But I'd be endure any nonchalance with calm contentment as well.

I guess any pathos on my part is due mainly to my inability to divine the stockmarkets direction lately. Karensoft collapsed by more than half right after I bought it and this has put paid to whatever interest I had left in buying more shares.

I'm lucky I only bought 3 000 shares and not 10 000!

Which means my Challenger sales proceeds comes at a timely moment to compensate for that paper loss.

Merci beaucoup, mon cheri Challenger!

P.S Some women think that just because they have a cunt that they are entitled to appreciate(and be appreciated by) any gorgeous male on the planet. Hunh!

1st April 2005

April Fool's day, 7:07pm.


I may just have made a new discovery: life-coaching may be the answer to cure my unhappiness.(Hmm, I'm wondering whether this is a joke on me).


Not that I'm prepared to spend any amount of money on a life-coach(I don't believe there are any qualified ones within 3000 kilometres of here, so novel a field it is).


One of the principles mentioned was learning how to love yourself, a thought which struck home immediately; in essence, I don't need to find someone to love me in order to be worthy of life.

Having someone to love me will be great, but it doesn't have to matter even if nobody does.

Most crucially, I have to love myself the way some ugly, yet happy people seem to radiate an internal contentment.

I have no idea why my endearing words seem to backfire on me, but I believe the answer lies in the realm of psychology generally, and in life coaching specifically.

I realise that I'm overly concerned with what people think of me. Fear of what people think of me is a big obstacle which I have to overcome as all the other obstacles I have overcome in my life.

Had a talk with my parents last night about my future plans, especially after leaving this current job. I realise I would have to get out of my comfort zone and confront challenges which I'm a little apprehensive about confronting in the first place.

Before I actually move to another career(hopefully one in which I'll enjoy the work involved) I'll use my savings to treat myself to a European vacation to lose myself and reflect on the meaning of life.

That is an investment I will willingly gift to myself, for having endured 4am factory bus cram-rides, queue-cutting savages and bosses from hell.

Life is easier from a vantage point of optimism.