Another Crossroad Of My Life Approaches....
8th October 2005
'What is the ultimate torture?' I sometimes ask myself...
My self-absorption sometimes answers: " To be born looking absolutely gorgeous to the gender you have no carnal interest in, but which society dictates that you must have."
No, I have not really come to terms with my 'deviant' sexuality yet, mainly because I can't really convince myself,despite myself, that it's not really deviant after all.
Yet almost every night, I tell God(if there is one listening) that I have not chosen voluntarily to be this way. That I am rather un-cheerful by nature because I was literally birthed into darkness, having gone through physical ordeals as a very young child that I wouldn't wish on my worst adversary.
Yes, I have dealt with these demons(or so I think) but my unhappy experiences have also made me who I am and dictated my sexual preference, much as society, family and other communal forces try to dictate that I marry(and pass judgement on the fact that I haven't yet settled down with some bitch and started making babies).
Yes, I have consciously resolved(99% successfully, 1% in vain during dark brooding moments) not to blame my parents for leaving me victim to those painful abuses that have shaped(or misshapened) me.
But who am I to judge that others' sufferings are not equivalent to mine?
I am firmly set on quitting my current job, mainly because I have lost all heart and all vestiges of faith and fail to see any point in slogging on for another year. In an environment where justice only serves the 'favourites' and personal bias reigns supreme, the only path is towards the 'EXIT'.
In my next occupation, I have decided to pursue money first, and then happiness and job satisfaction a close second.
Acquiring more money will always be a noble goal in my books because I would then have the freedom to right the injustices in my life and even the score with those who take their good fortune for granted.
'What is the ultimate torture?' I sometimes ask myself...
My self-absorption sometimes answers: " To be born looking absolutely gorgeous to the gender you have no carnal interest in, but which society dictates that you must have."
No, I have not really come to terms with my 'deviant' sexuality yet, mainly because I can't really convince myself,despite myself, that it's not really deviant after all.
Yet almost every night, I tell God(if there is one listening) that I have not chosen voluntarily to be this way. That I am rather un-cheerful by nature because I was literally birthed into darkness, having gone through physical ordeals as a very young child that I wouldn't wish on my worst adversary.
Yes, I have dealt with these demons(or so I think) but my unhappy experiences have also made me who I am and dictated my sexual preference, much as society, family and other communal forces try to dictate that I marry(and pass judgement on the fact that I haven't yet settled down with some bitch and started making babies).
Yes, I have consciously resolved(99% successfully, 1% in vain during dark brooding moments) not to blame my parents for leaving me victim to those painful abuses that have shaped(or misshapened) me.
But who am I to judge that others' sufferings are not equivalent to mine?
I am firmly set on quitting my current job, mainly because I have lost all heart and all vestiges of faith and fail to see any point in slogging on for another year. In an environment where justice only serves the 'favourites' and personal bias reigns supreme, the only path is towards the 'EXIT'.
In my next occupation, I have decided to pursue money first, and then happiness and job satisfaction a close second.
Acquiring more money will always be a noble goal in my books because I would then have the freedom to right the injustices in my life and even the score with those who take their good fortune for granted.
posted by DP at
6:03 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home