31st March 2005

I didn't update my blog yesterday only because there was a technical problem. My life is still in a little bit of a funk: don't even have the motivation to go to the gym anymore because I know my chances of meeting someone I like are close to nil.

Or rather, I realise that the person I like will likely pretend that he isn't aware of my existence, because of obligatory pretences of people nowadays. And the hurt I will feel is out of proportion to the benefits of the exercise I will get.

Although I try my very best to be stoic about it and deal with it to the best of my ability(which I succeed in doing most of the time), there is an underlying, gnawing core of sadness which can only be explained by disappointment about my love life.

*Sigh* I really can't be 100% happy alone I guess. And unlike Ray, who claims he doesn't have anyone to turn to, I have don't even have immediate family available for support, let alone a lasting network of gay friends.

He was quite dismissive ( or rather laconic) yesterday when I tried to chat him up: must be thinking I only want the three letter word thingy. Or that I'm of no importance to him.

I really don't get it: I do try very hard to be warm to others, and yet some people avoid me like the plague.

What have I done to deserve it?

I don't know. And thinking about it only makes me more upset.


So I won't think about it. Surviving is already hard enough for me...

29th March 2005

Sold 5,000 shares of Challenger Technologies, which runs the big IT mall in Funan Centre, at 18c after buying them in January for 11c.

I'm determined to not be stressed by any damn nonsense from anyone, including some which I got today. The battle to stay happy in the face of adversity is indeed a hard one.

I'm not in the mood to wax lyrical today so I won't. It's 3:17 pm and I'm going home because I can.

28th March 2005

Mercifully, the work day has ended, as the first quarter of 2005 slowly dwindles to a close, with 3 days to go till its end.

The day was busy, but I went through it in a straightforwards yet gallant fashion.


I realised how much I actually loved junk calories when I helped myself to some comfort foods like crackers and biscuits.

Yes, my life seems a little pointless now and that has contributed to a lingering sense of drifting aimlessness.

Other people's significance has paled in my perception and I feel this constant fatigue that seems to stem not from illness but from being fed up with others and their importance to me.

Sleep, that daily ritual of death, saves me the dull pain of reflecting on my situation,living a meaningless life.

27th March 2005

Let me share the lyrics of a country song written by Loretta Lynn and sung by Dolly Parton, which holds special meaning in my life now:
Wouldn't it be fine if you could love me
Just one time with a sober mind
Wouldn't that be fine
Now wouldn't that be fine
Wouldn't that be great
Throw the old glass crutch away
and watch it break
Wouldn't that be great
It's for our sake
Wouldn't that be great
Wouldn't it be great
If you could love me first and let the bottle wait
Now wouldn't that be great
Wouldn't that be great
Wouldn't that be great
Wouldn't that be great
Throw the old glass crutch away
and watch it break
Wouldn't that be great
It's for our sake
Wouldn't that be
Wouldn't it be good
And I know you could if you just would
Wouldn't it be good
And you know you could

For me, the glass crutch does not refer to the bottle, for I hardly touch alcohol, but rather, the 'glass crutch' refers to my insecurities and paranoia about others

26th March 2005

4:46pm

My second trip to the Golden Arches. I finished my entire weekend's workload today and so I am beside myself with joy!

The laptop screen hasn't given me problems in 3 days so I guess my baby must have 'healed'.


In two sessions I've downloaded close to 800MB, so it's been quite a rewarding day, although it pales in comparison to the 3.33 GB record I achieved on the 21st in Starbucks JB.

I SHOULD be extremely happy to be crisis-free, and still in a Saturday.And so I am!

25th March 2005

Good Friday!

A good day mainly because it's a public vacation day( the word 'vacation' somehow sounds more legitimate than 'holiday'). God knows how much I love lazing around just contemplating my own greatness(kidding!) but I still dragged myself out of bed at 7:15am today just to ensconce myself at my favourite shaded spot in Macs to begin my daily downloading ritual.

It's 10:03am and I've downloaded 302.59MB after roughly 2 1/2 hours; not too bad! However, I believe I'm downloading some duplicate files so I've got to erase them later.

Bought 3,000 shares of Karensoft Technology(and sold 1,000 shares of Tekala, reaping a profit of roughly RM218)to celebrate this vacation.

A group of loud, obnoxious, young teenage girls are creating a lot of noise pollution next to me, and I'm doing a good job of oblivious to their existence. The level of immaturity of teenagers in S'pore nowadays is shocking beyond belief.

I do believe that it's a direct result of the narrowing mind of S'porean parents. Anyway, to me, a large majority of locals are all show and no substance, and I see evidence of this every hour of every day. They've become one of the stupidest peoples on Earth because the government does nearly everything for them, even the thinking!

Here's a toast to Stupid Singaporeans who are too dumb to even change their children's nappies(the maids do those), let alone run their own lives!

P.S Don't blame me for making this (eminently true) assertion: the evidence is in the papers daily: the couple who tried to take their own lives in Australia, the man who killed his own children and jumped to his death because of personal debts et cetera, et cetera...


Evening update: Had a thorough workout at Cali Raffles Place. Saw CJ Phan; looked a little less 'big' , but is just as defined as I remember him, though he's a little pale. Another defined, muscular, (short) rather cute guy was attracting my attention but didn't make the first move of any sort so I displayed my usual nonchalance; I promise myself quietly that I'll no longer be a desperado.....with my physical assets, I don't need to be one.


An ode to my current state of existence:

A length of time that stretches
Back to my boyhood
Fills me with memories that
Sparkle with stars of promise

Pain fills me
Like gnawing parasites
Need to release myself
From self-imprisonment
Of emotions, perceptions, rude remarks
Oblivious ignorance is a useful weapon
Stamping societal insensitivity
Under your feet
Like roadkill
On the highway of eternity

The sands of time
Trickle on
Like the falling raindrops of
Lost innocence

24th March 2005

An inauspicious date?

I'm taking no chances and buying no stocks today, even some parts of the market do look tempting.

Very glad indeed that a long weekend is upon us. I will have time to do some packing of my stuff in case I need to move...

I've discovered the tunefullness of country music today, after downloading some Dolly Parton-Loretta Lynn-Tammy Wynette tracks. It is quite relaxing and bespeaks the rustic, slow-paced settings in which they were composed.

Listening to these, one can escape the world of cocksuckers and shameless sycophants we live in today, and remember that it is courageous to speak the truth, it is the essence of bravery to try to improve the situation one is in. This is because one usually comes up against sometimes unyielding resistance.

23rd March 2005

I feel more alone today than I've felt in a long time. I know that I shouldn't let this get to me, but sometimes it just does. Maybe the markets heading south have a big part to play in my feeling blue. I just can't fathom why I should feel inferior to everyone else when I know the opposite is true.

For once, I'm unhappy that people I know from around here choose to ignore me at my favourite seat at my favourite 'surfing' restaurant. I'm trying to look as busy as possible so they get the message that I don't give a damn whether they ignore me or not.

I'm stronger than this and I'll weather all these turbulences just as I've weathered storms in the past.

I wish to be released from the prisons that my mind, society and the world at large places around me .

22nd March 2005

Today was a 'blah' day; markets tanked balanced by an afternoon tea-cum-chat session with a close colleague.Got some work done Neither depressed nor elated.

I must always hope for the best, and that is the best I can hope to do.

21st March 2005

6:45pm.

Feeling unaccountably fatigued today. Had my tooth reattached at the National Dental Centre and so I got a day off from work(yay!) Made my way to JB after to get another mega-download session: have been logged on for over 5 hours now and,although I was disconnected two times, as of now, I have downloaded 2.7 GB!Had to delete the Matrix, '92 Barcelona event finals and several other files(total 1.9GB) to prevent my HDD from suffocating under the pressure.

Have got many files from the recent 2005 World Figure Skating championships to watch tonight! Also, some nice documentaries and Part 1 of Anne Frank the Movie.

Decided to re-watch many videos, including the files I deleted, and meaningfully, Alanis Morrissette's hit music video "Thank You" from 1998. Not only are the lyrics meaningful and unembellished candour, she also sings most of it stark naked. And part of the point I think is that one has to let go of the world's expectations of them(including that one should be clothed) and be a free spirit. Phrases like 'unabashedly bawling one's eyes out', 'how 'bout me not blaming you for everything, ' how 'bout me enjoying a moment for once', and 'how 'bout how good it feels to forgive you' rang close to home as they encouraged me to let go of my anger at countless things which are out of my control- like the feelings of one I'm attracted to, like how Fate sometimes spits me out onto the pavement of life despite my behaving so much better than so many others, who seem to get so much more out of life.

My mind, heart and soul were more serene mainly because I was free, even if only for one day, from the frustration and pressure of work and mindless noise and politicking.

If my superiors shortchange me, I know that there are countless ways of getting even, and I don't hesitate to use them,as long as I cover my behind and do everything legitimately.

Here's a toast to being a happy, free spirit!

8:45 pm update- It's time to log off and go home; I've downloaded 3.33GB, an all-time record for a single day, and even got some work done while doing it!

See you tomorrow blog!

20th March 2005

I'm ensconced in Macs now downloading with frenzy,stuffing my face with grilled chicken foldover which I know my body will need for the workout 3 hours from now.Getting extra vitamin D from the sunlight which is pouring in from the side window(lol!)

Had a lovely Long John Silver's breakfast with coffee and clam chowder earlier; this day is going off to a wonderful start!

It's a good feeling, having more than enough in the bank, knowing you look good, feeling healthy and going into another week well-rested and with a to-heck-with-what-the-world-thinks-of-me attitude...

You think I'm crazy? To heck with you!!

You think I'm narcissistic?Here's my middle finger!!!

I'm alive and enjoying myself...so deal with it!

Evening update: Had a good gymming session-felt really motivated! Cali Orchard was quite empty at that time so it was great timing as well! Anway, I notice my legs improving considerably since the last fortnight; the rest of my body is progressing admirably too.

I think it's because I really push myself during my workouts, and the bucketloads of sweat prove that.

Saw someone with a really cute body and straight-acting too, until I realised that I'd seen his profile ona gay website before! Well, I wasn't in the mood to break the ice, so I'll probably e-mail him and ask.

...Back to work tomorrow *SIGH*

19th March 2005

Yesterday evening, while I was crossing the Causeway in the dark on a yellow bus, a sudden transformation came over me: I was flawlessly content and happy within without even trying to psyche myself into doing so: I had suddenly stopped feeling anger towards the world at large and felt totally and undeniably confident in my place in the world, whatever it might be.

Was it the effect of the unagi dish I had eaten just moments ago at Seasons Cafe? Some serotonin-releasing chemical in the food I had consumed? Who knows, and who cares? I didn't have to do drugs to feel perfectly, unadulterably happy for the first time in a long while, not the usual droning irritation I constantly felt before. I didn't care whether I had a place to stay in before the end of the month, whether I had a life companion ever again; I was merelyhappily thankful, grateful for being alive despite all the near-death experiences I had gone through since I was newly-born(yes, my first near-death experience came very close to my birth).

Of course, all good things come to an end. This started when my laptop screen started up red, the colour of the alarm which I felt. It didn't crash as I feared but soon the screen started to flicker in many places. Then I remembered my cousin's advice to tap the back of the screen and proceeded to apply two sharp finger-raps to the back of my baby's screen and it immediately, and mercifully returned to normal. The 'high' feeling also faded in the morning but I was considerably more controlled as the day unfolded. The screen started to flicker off and on, necessitating at least 15 raps on the back of the screen.

One thing has remained constant throughout though: I felt perfectly alright being alone.

I will hit the gym later, and for once, won't be looking forward to more than purely keeping fit and improving body tone.


Update- It is evening now, and the elation that I felt a day ago has totally vanished. Tonight is the last night in which I can sleep in peacefully knowing that I needn't work tomorrow. Looks like I'll have to pay tomorrow with a gym session that I awoke from my nap and neglected to go for. But not before a hearty Long John Silver's breakfast!
Just had a wonderful meal at Delifrance, and did light grocery shopping at the supermarket. My account still has in excess of S$22,000 thanks to recently credited sales proceeds, despite my withdrawing three thousand on Friday to change to ringgit to pay for AKN shares.

18th March 2005

An auspicious date, who knows?

Today is a big day for the Malaysian stockmarket: it is listing itself! And what a stellar performance! I logged in to my trading account to see it transacting actively at RM3.54/3.56, already up 54 sen on the IPO price. Something in me told me it would go higher because the volume queueing up to sell was heavier than that queueing up to buy, with an especially heavy dollop of 1.3 million shares queueing at RM3.60. A couple of minutes later, that level was breached decisively. I took my eyes off the market for 45 minutes, and when I checked back, it was up to RM3.78, a new high on volume of 60million!

Well, I can console myself because on the S'pore bourse, Datacraft is up, and so is STATSChippac. Looks like I'll have sold my warrants early by the end of this month! But not to worry, I still have 15,000 shares left!! And I'm not selling.....

My hopes are pinned on AKN Technology(M'sia) for now. By the way, I sold off 75% of my Time Engineering for a 20% profit, netting about RM220.

Time to go and watch my enduring love, the equity markets.


Afternoon update: I went over to the other side and have the most delicious wireless Internet speed at Starbucks, hitting speeds of almost 100kB/s and downloading the most data EVER- 530MB within and hour and a half....WOW!

Which means one thing...lots of fantalicious videos to watch tonight!!

There's an conversation going on at the table behind me(bitchy-sounding male voices-101% gay & 100% S'porean) bitching about something or other. Hmm....wonder if they Fridae/MAW/some other gay-themed people. I can't be bothered of course.....


Here's an ode to solitude:

Learn how to be alone happily
For though no man is an island
All men are islands of their own emotions, sadly
Let go of peoples' expectations of you
For that's what my life coach tells me!

Learn how to be alone happily
For no one gives a damn in the end
Selfishness reigns over all
On no one can you really depend
Alone you can stand tall
And learn how to achieve success by bucking the trend

Learn how to be alone happily
For divorce rates are going through the roof
People look out for each other ever so rarely
For apart from family, the whole world is aloof
And many others hang on barely

Learn how to be alone happily
For this is how you conquer misery
Human suffering comes from a need for human company
But human relationships are seldom heavenly
Man would rather die than give in to another willingly

Learn how to be alone happily
For the joy gained from human companionship is an illusion
That is often dispelled quickly and cruelly
And then your own self-worth becomes the inevitable cushion

Learn how to be alone happily
For one day you will be old and weak
In bed, a wheelchair or an old-folk home trolley
And no friends will be left for you to keep
And requests for help will always be answered with :"Sorry!"
Leaving you bitterly to weep

Learn how to be alone happily
For the world only worships beauty and youth
Both will you lose eventually
For that is mortality's sad truth
Though humans thrive socially
Only you can accept who you are, for sooth!

P.S Two hours after settling down in Starbucks, I've downloaded 848MB! Looks like I can hit 1GB if I leave my computer battery to die. This would bring my total download for today to 1.45GB!!

17th March 2005

I'm enjoying my vacation and surfing(actually, I'm crossing the line between enjoyment and addiction).

Had an interesting chat with a rather mature 16-year old yesterday night(the attractive guy I mentioned a few posts earlier) and I challenged him to an arm-wrestling re-match with my right arm. I told him I could beat him in 100 days if he dared, and of course, he told me to 'dream on!'. Well, there are ways to train the right muscle groups for arm wrestling and we shall see if I can accomplish this feat, always remembering that the 300 perfect bowling game is far harder to achieve, especially with the spotty practice that I get.


He claimed(when asked) that he was a virgin, which I believe. If Ray were to claim such a thing, I wouldn't believe it at all because he looks like he was probably fucked at 14. Or maybe younger. Ah, well...

Anyway, I am truly enjoying these few days of freedom, indulge in my favourite activities(sex not included) and essentially forget about everyone but myself.

One must afford oneself the luxury of being unabashedly selfish sometimes.Anyway, I'm far too good a catch for 99% of the gay fuckers in Singapore, so I'm not going to be the one to make any move. I have my own ways of satisfying the emotion of desire.

I must learn how to revert back to my pre-Ray self-satisfaction and contentment, to- hell- with -the -world-as-long-as-I'm-happy attitude that more people subscribe to than you'd like to think.

Still maintain that the stockmarket is a much safer partner(when it comes to the subject of hurt) than a human being. This is despite the fact that it is so unpredictable and dangerous; if you ask me, it's still less dangerous than a human being you will hardly ever know because truth is always blended into fiction in people's minds, and loyalty always boils down to self-satisfaction.

At least if you suffer loss in the stockmarket, you can always delve into why and how to improve; not so with fickle relationships, where you are sometimes deliberately left in the dark and friendship means 'Bye, we'd probably never see each other again'.

Anyway sex is no great deal to me; money is. With money, one can shortcut the complexity of relationships and keep the lust factor straightforwardly simple.


So here's to money and the making of bucketloads of it on the stockmarket!

3pm stockmarket update:On Bursa Malaysia, Time Engineering is up today, trading 12.4% above my purchase price, while Tekala Corp is trading AT RM1.33, 9.9% higher. On the side of the Causeway where lesser loyalties lie, STATSChippac is holding steady at S$1.12.

16th March 2005

My downloading was going on well in the morning and then at around 1015am, a (ugly) bitch planted herself directly in front of me and tried all sorts of ways to lure me.Desperation personified! I rolled my eyes numerous times when I sensed she was staring at me. But despite that and a middle finger pointed disccreetly in her direction but apparently scratching my head, she even continued her shennanigans with some kind of funny(& ugly) rocking to some inaudible music. I moved there and then, betting that she would not last there for 5 more minutes.

Yup, she's already gone after 6 minutes. Stupid flirting bitch!! I didn't look at her closely, but I figure she's the bespectacled China variety, apparently in S'pore to study but actually looking for a husband more than anything else to get a good life. Pah!!

On a lighter note, the U.S markets dropped yesterday, justifying my decision to sell yesterday.However, since STATSChippac dropped with the broader market yesterday afternoon, it has held steady at S$1.11 to 1.12. The warrants I sold at 19.5c and 18.5c yesterday have since dropped to 16.5 and 16c respectively.

One of the counters I bought on the KLSE yesterday has started to rise : SCIB has upped 15c to 1.45, turning my 1,000 shares to a slight profit.

Evening(2140hrs)update: I had a good workout today, and my legs look better and better. Also, I went bowling before that, setting a new year high of 174 pinfalls(including a turkey- finally!) but my performance yo-yoed quite wildly and throughout the 10 games, I didn't feel like I was in my element.

Looks like the U.S market is heading higher tonight...crude oil is slightly down so that would help.

Also, an old man approached me, purportedly asking me for the time, but I suspected immediately that he was coming on, for I was sitting right at my favourite end of Macs. I instinctively asked: " You don't have a watch?", eyeing the silver-coloured watch on his left hand. His lame reply was :"I just want to check..." Yeah, right!

A song played in my head : 'Des..perado....Why don't you come to your sen..ses....". Yada yada

I wish the people flirting with me could be more attractive instead of hopelessly ugly fucks. Is that too much to ask for, given my natural good looks and impressive physique? Just kidding.... but I'm not chopped liver, you know. I have standards!

15th March 2005

Crude oil futures are hovering around US$55 per barrel, the equity market outlook is teetering on the brink of a big move north or south and it's a banner day for me on the Singapore stock market:I have made my first profits on call warrants, selling 5,000 STATSChippac 0919 warrants for 18.5c and 13,000 0627 warrants at 18.3c (after buying both at between 12 and 12.5c), reaping a profit after commissions of about S$823, the biggest single-day haul this year after Datacraft.

The underlying shares are trading at S$1.15 at the time of writing (10:30am ) and this means I'm sitting on a paper profit of S$1050 should I decide to unload my remaining shares at this price.

Also, the 5,000 Challenger shares I bought in January at 10.5c are trading 57% higher, at 16.5c.


On the KL market, Yeo Aik has started to stir, rising 17%, while Time Engineering is trading about 10% higher than where I bought it.

I'm really happy for the first time in a week. I think I'll go bowling today and take a break from brooding over the state of the world. Let's see if I can beat my 5-game total of 703 from yesterday(my record is an 801 set on October 15th 2003).


Bye for now, my faithful reader!

P.S - Possessing money per se never feels as good as actually betting right and making it, no matter how much.

- To Ray: 'Sorry' is a word easily uttered but not easily meant.

14th March(evening)

It's 5:19 pm S'pore time. I'm at McDonalds again and guess what? Those bunch of (Taekwondo)idiots are there again, doubtless cracking lewd jokes and effusing silliness.

Despite the unlucky number, I managed to unload 5,000 shares of STATSChipPac today at an average price of S$1.118 and incurred a small contra loss(less than RM60) on KLSE-listed AEM. The former, closing at S$1.14, looks like it'll head higher tomorrow, so I'll have a chance to unload the remaining 15,000 shares at a favourable price.

It feels good to have some extra cash in times of uncertain markets.


I went bowling in the late morning to get some exercise(and with the dream of netting a perfect 300 at the back of my mind) and garnered scores of 85(!!), 131, 119, 145,143; 159,114,136, 147,141. A little disappointing, in light of my lofty target. In fact, I had five opportunities to score turkies(3 strikes in a row), and came close but didn't pull it off. The 159 game had two doubles in fact, but sadly....

Tried bowling from centre, right and left so I'm still kind of feeling my way for the consistency to make my dream a reality.

Other than that, I feel quite OK. Loneliness doesn't get to me like it does to some others so I guess I'll live.

You know what my theory is? That I have the misfortune of being intelligent and extremely good-looking at the same time, and so people tend to discount either automatically out of instinctive jealousy. Even my parents!


PS. I suddenly realise that despite being on the receiving end of much injustice in this life, I don't have to be angry at others or the world at large to justify my existence or feel worthy of anything. I need to calm down, look within and relive the brief warmth and sparse sunshine I've received throughout my life, for they too are gifts,never giving up hope that I can receive more blessings in future...

Hope springs eternal, it's true!

14th March (morning)

Planned to be alone by myself at McDonalds but by sheer misfortune, spotted someone I knew(or rather was spotted) and was persuaded to shift right across to the other end, where I have full exposure to solar radiation! Going to do wonders for my skin tone...

Well, the light in my room has not recovered and I've been prone to self-reflection in the semi-(actually 80%) darkness.

Decided not to succumb to crowd behaviour and move to a shaded part of the restaurant. I don't need to be more tanned than I already am.

It's surprising, when you live in S'pore, to discover how stupid people can really be. And I mean really, really, really idiotic!

I'd rather be married to solitude than be associated with these jerks.If people don't( or refuse to ) recognise diamonds, then so be it.

Update: Just told a flatowner who accused me of being 'demanding' to fuck off.(I just asked if he had certain facilities available in the room he wanted to rent to me)If my response shocked him, all the better; I'm in no mood to compromise with my pride.

13th March 2005

What an interesting day I had yesterday! I forgot an invitation I had to my cousin Kong Chin's place for dinner and while waiting for him to pick me up from Bishan town centre, I discovered that my laptop screen display had skewed to the left, leaving more than a third on the right darker than night. It was thus with a heavy heart that I prepared to face my cousins's three hyperactive daughters and his secondary school classmate whom he had invited as well.

I was faced with a predicament: to send my 'baby' for repairs, which could potentially cost over a thousand dollars or to buy a new one, which would cost even more.

However, it was a rare opportunity for me to partake of home-cooked food. The spread was quite delightful: Teppanyaki chicken with sliced lemon, oysters cooked with broccolli, a mix of two types of traditional Chinese sausage(the one from China rumoured to contain flesh from executed criminals!). Also, a delicious cabbage soup with fish maw and fishballs.

I even enjoyed the company of my aforementioned nieces, who proved to be every bit as fiesty as I imagined them to be. Nonetheless, I got a chance(reluctantly) to display my piano-playing skills, first playing pieces selected by Wan Ning, the middle child, and then "Marca Alla Turca" by Mozart and "One Song" to an enraptured audience. I made a couple of mistakes but the little girls didn't seem to mind! I was honestly hoping that a good performance would encourage them to tide over the inevitable boredom associated with beginning piano lessons.

After dinner, we proceeded to view the numerous photos from the family's trip to my paternal grandfather's home village in China. It was a rustic setting and looked very exciting even when experienced vicariously! Of course I got a little bored halfway through( and even yawned a couple of times) but got an insight into Hakka culture and home design. For instance, a landowner who builds over a piece of land first gets it, so there's a constant jostle for space and it influences the closed circular design of homes in that village.

When I returned home, it was close to midnight and my heart was still heavy, knowing that I had to wait a day to resolve the problem of my sick 'child' as the next day would be a Sunday. However, I did pray to Jesus(not Jebus!) to help me out as I was also going through a period of failing and non-existent relationships, troubled familial ties, unsteady finances and also had to move out within a fortnight. I told myself that a challenge in life helps to make a person stronger but at the back of my mind, I felt that I had too many challenges to deal with.

I was rather angry and even thought of obscene words to scold the Lord with in my mind, but soon apologised for them. I repeated my prayer in the morning, just as the flourescent light in my room flickered in tandem with the health of my baby. I thought of Murphy's Law at that moment and cursed my luck yet again.

Going for a country breakfast at Long John Silver's, I felt sobered and considerably less uppity than I had felt two weeks earlier. I returned home from my shopping trip to the NTUC supermarket(only healthy food for me!) with the same heavy heart that I had the evening before when I discovered my predicament.

Lo and behold, when I turned the machine on, a miraculous occurrence! My screen display was back to normal! I immediately believed in divine intervention and actually cried for joy!!

So here I am writing this down and sharing my up-and-down experiences of the past twenty-four hours with you, the reader, with an uplifted heart and a slightly more hopeful future.

12th March 2005

A little perkier today because I received my pay and my savings account balance is now in excess of 16 thousand dollars. My favourite gymnastics hub is down today so I will console myself by downloading skating videos. In fact, yesterday, I downloaded an incredible video of Liz Manley's free skating routine from Calgary '88 which allows the viewer to feel the electrifying atmosphere in the arena, which was of course augmented by home support.

It's a beautiful piece of redemption which I'm sure I'll watch over and over again.

In addition, my 160GB Iomega hard disk drive reached its storage capacity limit yesterday, with only about 200MB of disk space left :incredible! Time to expunge duplicated videos and for massive CD burning and archiving!

I met some of my kids yesterday at McDonalds(unintentionally, of course) and I think that they discovered my deadly secret(through spying,regretfully).I tried my level bet to excuse it by saying that the window they spied was a pop-up but I'm uncertain if I can rely on their gullibility in that respect.

Anyway, the most athletic and well-built of them, whom I am secretly attracted to practically boasted about the hardness of some his bodyparts to me and let me feel them(oo!!). He even challenged me to an arm-wrestling contest, which he won handily with his right hand(I managed to hold out in the horizontal position for about 10 seconds before touching down) but lost with his left arm equally handily. And I thought my right arm was far stronger than my left!

I haven't ruled out totally my suspicion that this particular guy has homosexual tendencies(in addition to being handsome(his eyes!whoa!!) and athletic.

He seems to have a sensitive soul as well so we have something in common!

But seriously, I will reject any such tendencies because I REFUSE to take part in ruining the future of a young life like my own life was ruined. Well ,not ruined but changed irrevocably.

At least I can emphatise with rape victims and the trauma they feel.

There! I refuse to sigh because I've finally come to terms with that sordid chapter in my life and am ready to move on....

11th March 2005

The internet connection at my office has been excruciatingly slow for the past two days, and this has lessened the downloads on my computer tremendously. A blessing in hiding(my own copyrighted term) is perhaps that my baby gets a break from an overloaded HDD, which may lessen the chances of crashing.

Watching the markets today is more boring than watching paint dry, so I won't. I'm being mysteriously and inexplicably snubbed from all quarters today so I'll activate my "I don't give a shit!" demeanour and try to feel it too. Actually, I've become quite an expert at looking through others. There is no use rationalising about irrational human behaviour(the unexplained snubs) all for the sake of gaining a few more strands of white hair and gaining no insight as a result. So I'll stop.

10th March 2005

Had a busy day on the 4th: a meeting that lasted till 5pm, then to California Fitness for a workout till 8pm and then straight home to blissful rest and time with my baby.

I'm sure my superior has read my little hint about his utter inefficiency but the only message he would have gotten(I'm willing to bet a pound of flesh on this) is that he has a potential threat against his vested interests(power and income for as long as he can cling on to his job with his arthritic hands) and someone who's not afraid of speaking up and get confrontational. I have decided to adopt a guerilla warfare tactic to only draw suspicion but not incontrovertible incrimination.

I'm not afraid to shoot arrows, and shoot to kill at that.

8th March 2005

Hello again...

Same shit, different day, as Stephen King wrote in "The Shawshank Redemption", one of the greatest stories in my estimation.

Today represents a small improvement on the previous days, I guess. I managed to sell my Accord Customer Care shares at 43c each and reap a profit of about S$180 and recouped my capital of S$1082.13, which is not bad, considering that I once had to stare in horror as it plummetted, until a nadir of 23c,at which point, it represented a loss of over 35% over just 2 days. I also reaped a small profit on the Kuala Lumpur market from the likes of CBS Tech, Golden Plus and Sersol.

However, I hung tough, which is what counts and tides one through the sometimes stomach-churning gyrations of the stockmarket.

That said, I'm still in a rather dull stupor that lingered since the night before. I guess I still miss holding someone but yet, I resolve to get over this 'hangover' to get on with life.

I need to start living, for my own sake, and stop worrying endlessly about things which people think at the back of their minds are guaranteed, but are not, for ill fortune can snatch them away in any flash of time. Nothing is guaranteed in life, but I guess pride and self-preservation are the most worthwhile when it comes to fighting tooth and nail.

If my appearance makes me unapproachable,seem hostile or causes me to be misunderstood, then it's just a cross that I have to bear. I'm not going to bend over backwards to make people like me or see my inner niceness. This is due to the fact that, ultimately, my pride is of utmost importance, and I won't pay any price to lose it. I guess most other people are the same.

Anyway, none of my previous loves were lost causes. Anson gave me a nice Adidas watch; Ben gave me a DVD(which I haven't even watched yet!) and allowed me to tape several shows from cable television; Robin gave a pair of cool cK sunglasses and cooked up some nice stuff when we were together; Erwin allowed me to experience what it was like to be with a totally straight-acting, well-built guy while Ray allowed me to experienced a teenager and gave me the idea of writing my own electronic diary(this blog of course!) and allowed me a new way of venting my sometimes profound thoughts.

7th March 2005

Just finished downloading the classic Orwell cartoon 'Animal Farm' today and watched it at the office too.

Another busy day gone by....to my great relief.

The markets were slightly better today, in no small part due to the rally in the US market on Friday. If the bull follows through tomorrow, I might just be able to claw some sparse profits.

Hope springs eternal, as the course of my own life constantly reminds me.

I know that by avoiding people I may be doing them a favour, as I may be too deep or intense(some call it madness) for their liking.


But fuck them! Who gives a screw? I live for myself and no other. I know I'm a good guy, perhaps too good for any of those selfish bastards.

Love? Yeah...it'll give you plenty of heartache and probably a dose of HIV. That's what 'love' does to AJs: it administers the kiss of death.

My advice to those out there reading this: you are wasting your time chasing that elusive affection which most people here only reserve for themselves and themselves alone. People do it because they are suckers for company and companionship, when they would be better off reading a book, building up their business or entertaining themselves in multifarious ways.

Go clubbing? Get hacking cough and probably lung cancer when you're in your late 30s.

Get penetrated? Get VD and morning hangover after morning hangover and set yourself up to be hurt in new and successively less bearable ways.

Court gay friends? Set yourself up to be hurt by rumour- mongers and total bastards the like of which would make Martha Stewart blush, and discover hitherto-unknown meaning of the word selfishness.

Recently, an older couple whom I've known all my life drifted apart and soon descended into shouting and pushing matches because of suspected infidelity on the husband's part. After over 30 years of first marriage, then getting along with each other, and then tolerating the other, first admirably, then barely. And now this. It begs the question: is 'love' really worth it, or is it a word to justify lusting for another and then, years of pretension and redirected affection.

This sad episode hit closer to home than for the few other people who are acquainted with it.


The older couple are my parents.

6th March 2005

Yesterday evening, I had yet another two dead-end dates, a personal record. One was a hunky guy who was quite good-looking but rather uncompromising. The other was a skinny but rather wishy-washy guy was too effeminate for my liking. I was rather physically attracted to the first but he looked like he was playing a little hard to get(which I can understand). Although we were supposedly heading in the same direction to watch different movies with different people, he declined to walk with me.

This experience has put me off dating. So my guess is that he was probably meeting someone special or that he wasn't watching a movie after all, and for some reason, did not want his whoever to meet me. I sent him a message just before my movie with my skinny second date started but never got a reply so I guess that's that. What makes people refuse to even reply to a simple sms asking "How was the movie?"? Is it repulsion? Fear? Timidity? Callousness? Disinterest?Lack of courtesy? It defies my comprehension...

I hate playing games, and superficial people pretending that they aren't. I am who I am and if people don't like it, they can go cram something into their anal orifices, hopefully a sharp object which causes plenty of squealing.

This has motivated me to give up dating, at least for the next few months. From now on, I've concluded that it's still a safer bet to court the stockmarket. At least any pain that results from that courtship is bearable because it can be rationalised, unlike the hidden thoughts, priorities and intentions of the human mind.

Well, the movie('The Woodsman') was a consolation as it was about the redemption of a serial child molester. The character in the movie was even harder-hearted than I was, but he found the courage to come out of his hard reticence to love a woman(who of course made the first move!) and took his suffering gamely, only once driven to tears(which he shed while holding his stoic posture- give that man an Oscar!) by his psychologist(!) interrogating him, albeit gently, about his childhood, the root of his abnormality.

Dom

5th March 2005

I left my handphone in the office and so, against my wishes, I have to return there to retrieve it. Yesterday, the US stockmarket rose on a broad front, bolstering my confidence that we may yet see a raging bull market in 2005. So far, the Kuala Lumpur market has not played along and so my enthusiasm has been somewhat tempered, with my convictions rather badly buffeted by the horrible technicals as the KL Composite Index dropped from a high of 940 to 885 now.

However, there is some hope as the Second Board Index of small and medium-sized companies has formed a doji and bullish engulfing pattern as of Friday the 4th, and has simultaneously created a double bottom at 105 points. I continue to remind myself that this is 84% below the all-time high and 30% below my very conservative target of 150. It is also 58% beneath a bullish scenario of 250 points.

For readers who are into the KL market, I am very drawn to the price appreciation prospects of the following:

-CBS Tech
-Time Engineering
-Golden Plus
-Konsortium
-Hwa Tai(2nd Board & my all time top money earner with over RM11,000 already in the bag)
-Caely(double-bottom at around 90c?How can I forget selling this @RM1.32 last year, so near the top?totally satisfying!)
-Takaso(2nd Board)
-AKN & CSA(both technology stocks suffered huge sell-offs that have wiped off half of their value in the past year, and this looks to have culminated on Friday with a possible selling climax in AKN)
-Karensoft
-VS Ind
- Ye Chiu(2nd Board)


Nonetheless, as in life, good timing in the stockmarket is everything, I mean EVERYTHING!

Dom

4th March 2005

I'm better today, but still companionless and rather lacking in stamina. A general lethargy due to pessimism about life probably.

I had planned to go to the gym today but then felt that it would not be worth my trouble nor am I up to the challenge of the treadmill today; I can go on Saturday.

On the other hand, I could have worked off my buried frustration and creeping guilt by pounding out reps on machines. But I guess it's a moot point now...

I'm dateless because I feel that there's not a single person in the world I really, genuinely care about or even think of. Those who have expressed interest in me haven't followed through on that initial signal so that has forced me to seek solace within.

Here I am in a McDonalds eavesdropping on a conversation between immature people from my workplace, some unflattering comments about a senior colleague, whom I'm far from fond of anyway.

Yesterday, I prayed(in a less-than-wholehearted manner) that I would be able to make the right decisions(while thinking about my finances). The trouble with the world we live in nowadays is that almost everything eventually boils down to money, that eternal source of evil. So can we really blame any person for structuring, scheduling and wrapping their life around economic concerns tighter than a shrink wrap around a stinking fish?

I find the people around me intolerably superficial. I am rather superficial too when it comes to making friends: I'd be the first to admit that looks are paramount in making male friends, and, to a much smaller extent, in making female ones. However, for the latter category, I tend to avoid the bitchy or overly gorgeous or sexy ones religiously.

Well, looks never fail to attract at first glance, something I'm reminded on a daily(and sometimes hourly) basis.

Anyhow, my plans for 2005 look like they'll be derailed by unforseen circumstances.

Today, I finished downloading Pocahontas and went almost halfway in getting another of my favourites, Apt Pupil.


Also, I did something today which some people may view as foolhardy but which I think is a courageous act. Maybe I did it because I'm no longer afraid to lose many things which other people view as crucial in their lives.

Wish me luck!

2nd March 2005

A bleary day...in which I am seem to not be totally in charge of my mental faculties. I need a break. A break from immature kids, dead-end dates and unreasonable flatowners.


I could let myself drift and end up feeling utterly desolate and unhappy.

But I refuse to do so.

I refuse to let the world take me for granted, trample me underfoot or shortchange me in any way. I am a valuable contributor to the brightness of the future of mankind. I deserve much better than the dregs society dishes out to me. I am determined to stare fear in the face and trample it underfoot. My time will come; I have a date with destiny; I will achieve my dream, this I solemnly vow!


And....a step in the right direction would be to change my living environment. I just went to view a room in a flat near the one I'm currently living in. It's currently inhabited by three(presumably gay) guys who are not too far from cute. But the room is a little bare and they are asking for S$350, which is a tad higher than what I'm paying now. However, no women, so that's a BIG plus. *chuckle*

Today, the market was not behaving again and this helped to set me up for my aforesaid mildly--depressed mood.

Haven't had much luck making money on stocks this year, I'm afraid. Looks like I have to hang on to my job for longer than I'd planned, though it is an easy job(at my level) if you know the -ins and -outs of it, the political landscape, the loopholes(there are plenty at my workplace!) and where you can take shortcuts and how you can cheat. For no boss(especially not one as out of his element as mine) can look over your shoulder the whole time you are at work. They may try(and honest-to-God, mine has!) but it's nearly impossible.

Anyway, I'm in the luxurious position of being able to decline any 'extra' work because the perception from above is that I can leave anytime and leave I will, at the latest at end-2005.Performance bonuses are awarded in April so I won't need to chase for one and this means I can do the minimal amount of work required of me. How wonderful it is not to be mentally and psychologically beholden to anyone because you're chasing an extra few thousand dollars.It does wonders to my health, which is a priceless commodity-more valuable than silver,gold or diamonds!!

Whenever I feel sad about the direction of my career(whatever that means), I think of that cold morning more than four years ago, when I had just hopped onto a factory bus heading across the Causeway in the darkness of a 4am morning, just a couple of days into my current job, thinking to myself: "How long can I endure this?".

Here I am now, having endured it for four years, though one of those years was merely spent studying.

I'm a survivor.Of emotional insecurity. Of poverty. Of the rocks and brickbats life hurls at me for just being different and thinking differently. And I'm proud of it!